Marriage = Work

My boy toy and cock-sucking colleague was recently lamenting the sad state of marriage. He proved to be a born loser as we drove to Brooklyn’s Nathans Famous Hot Dogs for my latest fantasy - a Lobster Roll. Before setting off on our voyage I told him that traffic would be heavy and we would not get a parking spot. Obviously I was right. Parking was $20 and the lines to buy a hot dog were very long. The only thing positive was the discussion in the car as he whined like the half-Jew he is about the hopelessness of marriage and the helplessness of his married friend who is also a cop.

Like 95% of the cops and firemen I know he is an adulterer. Surprised? No one takes marriage seriously since it is not a serious proposition.

The best cheaters of course are people who have easy excuses to get out of the house. First on the list would be Bin Laden and other terrorists. Cops, firemen and vampires can bullshit their way to as many pussy ops as their aging and diseased dicks can handle. For many cops they are phallic nightsticks, their guns (not the ones between their legs) are always ready for discharge. Their wives never know if they are undercover or under some testosterone haze.

The point is not their ease of accomplishing their objective of cheating but the very sanity of that act which is what I am going to discuss. Married life is an existence with bars around it. Monogamy and marriage are handcuffs on your male prerogative to fuck anything that moves. That is how God intended it and the natural order of our humanity.

The boredom of routine repetition and the humdrum re-reviewing of what has happened before. Most people see a movie only once. I know of very few who go to the same film 30, 40 or 50 times. Why should we have sex with the same partners, doing the same repetitive actions with neither passion nor spontaneity? Married sex is like being awake during your own autopsy. It is root canal work without anesthetic. It is having a bris as an adult and fully conscious and instead of cutting just the skin off, the rabbi cuts the whole damn thing off.

Even though marriage is doomed, if you turned it into a job you like and really work at it - it can be salvaged. Here’s an example from my own life. My first wife, Lonnie, when I was 27, had a foul-tasting pussy, tits larger than the twin towers and when she fucked me flagpole-style her boobs where like fists pummeling me in the face. My third wife and mother of my fag son, Gina, was Jewish so the sex was as exciting as a bar mitzvah. My fourth was the Irish cleaning woman who after deceiving me into marrying her told me she preferred carpet-munching to the male organ. My last and fifth wife was sick and never let me munch on her clit.

Now Eureka, the second wife was a Goddess. Mary was a Pan Am flight attendant from North Carolina whose father was a professor at the Citadel in South Carolina. She was hot, creative, intelligent (years ago she got her PhD from Columbia) and was far better than I deserved. But being typically male I was like King Farook and his 100 woman harem who was never satisfied. As wonderful as Mary was, I was still bored, de-sensitized and seeking the novelty, the excitement and the volatility of new women, new vagina, new personalities and new neurosis. The only way marriage can work is if a man respects the woman and she is a thinking woman and he wants to work on the marriage. For me working on the marriage and not making the easy choice of cheating was something that I could not do.

Fifty percent of marriages result in divorce and the other 50% are keeping it working by sucking dick, going to hookers, masturbating hourly or teaching their cats how to lick their balls.

If you cannot work on the marriage or the women is a moron, staying married and cheating makes the most sense because divorce is disruptive to the family life and your bank account. But keep in mind, the new woman will not be your salvation because she will have her own set of problems.

As cynical as I am, my marriage to Mary could have worked had I worked harder at it. I didn’t work hard enough because there was always another pussy to take off the sidelines and bring into the game since I published Screw and had so many women at my beckon call.

Being the walking contradiction I am, if I could do it all over again I would do it the same way but would have saved more money and kept my real estate and houses.