To My Readers, A Plea...

Now that I am beautiful again, having completed successful cosmetic surgery done on my stomach flab, please help Al Goldstein meet, greet and eat new pussy. Don’t be a deformed humpback guy impersonating a woman. Be a real man and help a sex starved pussy lapper like me find Nirvana. Write to me at alvingoldstein@gmail.com.

For 35 years I published Screw I had sex with 7,000 women. I ate more pussy than science fiction aliens ate human beings in the movie Soylent Green. The taste of pussy is my elixir and like a Catholic drinking wine, it is the blood of my host. I am like some scuba diver 20 fathoms deep running out of oxygen ready to be brought to surface. The smell and taste of pussy rejuvenates me. It is better than herbs, lipitor, cozar, metaformin, penecillian and every other drug created by the scientists of yore. It fights depression without any of the side effects of lithium and like valium puts the smile on my face and its juices fight tooth decay. A woman’s legs wrapped around my head as her vagina pumps my tongue is a cocoon of bliss and only Godiva Belgian chocolate ice cream can equal the taste.

Twenty five years ago when it was discovered that I had sleep apnea the only treatment available was a tracheotomy. That has not been practiced for the past 20 years because it is so invasive. But while I had a hole in my throat and my trach was operational I could breathe through my blowhole while the women fucked my tongue and she never had to come up for air. It was the nadir of my pussy eating days and I launched thousands of female orgasms by the constant attention of my tongue on her little gland. I am prepared to get another trach if that will bring back a woman in my face. And you dear reader can bring pleasure to women and to my tongue, and in gods well kept book of 'great treasures of gifts', your name will be printed in bold letters.

My tongue is as majestic as a Penn and Teller performance. Like launching the first space ship to the moon I have given great orgasms to Gloria Leonard, Seka, Teri Weigel, Jenna Jameson, etc. Their orgasms were so mind altering and heart rendering that most of them quit the porn business since no one can eat them the way I did. Both Hillary Clinton and Laura Bush will not let their husbands eat them since they have been licked by my muscle bound Lou Ferrigno-like tongue.

This is not a joke. Please email me. I have not eaten pussy in six months because I was married and I am in desperate need of female orifices.