How to Keep your Lady Happy

I talked about being bored with pussy in my last column. For those of you not bored with pussy, which if you are on this site, is not a bad assumption - here is a tip on how to keep your woman happy.

There are so many pieces of ass and so little time. I want to be remembered by my partners and be thought of with affection and longing. A mere fucking or shooting a load in my latest girlfriend’s mouth is as special a White Castle Double Cheeseburger. My sexuality has become the Velveeta Cheese of fucking.

Like my girlfriend’s older boyfriends and the boyfriends to be, I am as forgettable as a secret fart in the hallway. How do I transcend the ordinary? It’s obvious I have to travel the road of the taboo. One of my favorite secrets is analingus. I’ve written before on how I love to put my tongue in pretty girl’s asses. Ninety-five percent are turned off. Eating your girlfriend during her period is both gross and a turn-on to her. Not being from Transylvania I do spit the blood out.

I have given more women orgasms lapping their tushes than I ever have munching on their clits. Her rumbling and galloping orgasms make last year’s tsunami seem like but a ripple in the ocean. I have had women cum with such excitement that they have actually ejaculated on my face. Their past lovers, whether black or white, small-dicked or big, have never given her the gift of pleasure that I have just bestowed upon her. Before I bestow this earthquake of joy upon her limp body I give her this unique foreplay that she will never forget.

I bathe her with particular emphasis on her toes. I make sure hasn’t been walking in combat boots. The stench of stinky feet or worse should not waft into the air. Then I lick between her toes and start sucking on them like a midget’s cock. Licking, lapping and sucking for at least ten minutes. I shrimp. Occasionally I run my tongue up to her thigh then go back to her little piggys. I would prefer it if she were a handicap or a cripple with one foot but I will do ten toes if I must. After she has sucked your cock dry in thanks and rolled over to sleep I can guarantee that she will never forget her night of bliss with you. You will be unforgettable to her. Although she may want it daily, tell her she can only have it once a week. Explain to her that money left behind would be appreciated and the more money she leaves the more available your tongue and mouth will be.

In the Mood for Dud

I love women and best of all I love beautiful women. I have ogled at the feminine charms of the delicate thin-ankled women in Thailand, the tall lithe feminine pulchritude of the denizens of Holland, the starlets of LA and the classy snatch on Madison Avenue. But my newest discovery, the flesh at Union Square in New York City, tops ‘em all. Perfectly proportioned pussy is like the thousands of wilderbeasts on the plains of Africa and like the lurking crocodiles in the nearby waters – I want to gobble them up. I want to bite their boobs and do a crocodile death roll as I rip their flesh off and hungrily swallow it.

Then comes the realization that it’s all meaningless.

There is so much pussy that I have become desensitized. Like sand on the beach and freshly baked donuts lining the walls of Krispy Kreme exhibiting their sugary delights looking at pussy has become shockingly commonplace. Whatever I capture will be quickly forgotten as the same shit I had 20 years ago. Why is that? In this galaxy of nearly perfect pussy there is nothing that special. The hard nipples, the long legs, the blonde trusses, the full lips all blend into routine.

There is nothing special I am left with. The memories and sexual experiences are not unique but like the waters of Niagara Falls. I who in my prime had sex with two to four women a day am bored with pussy. My hedonism and even my sperm are bored. My cum dribbles out not even with the uniqueness of being square it’s just that I have dropped a load.

And so at the age of 70 I am looking for something far more significant than the latest piece of ass. After five marriages and so many fast-food sexual encounters I now want intimacy and connection in a partner.

What is wrong with me is what is wrong with them

My fifth marriage just ended last week so I am in a pensive mood.



They say in the 12 step sex addiction program: “We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable.”

I have also confused my neediness and inability to be alone in my never ending search for pussy. Though I sexualize everything from hot dogs to pencils my neurosis made me successful in the 35 years I published Screw. But it made me unfit to make adult choices for a partner.

My first wife Lonnie I married for spite because her family hated me since I was not rich. My favorite wife, Mary, I married in 1968 because she was a flight attendant and I could fly at a discount. My third wife Gena was a jew-ess and I wanted to experience castration. She also produced the spawn of the devil, my only ex-son. My fourth wife Patty, I married in 1989 the year my mother and father died and I didn’t want to be alone. She was like the flower girl in My Fair Lady and I wanted to mold her. She stalked me and after the marriage I found out she was a lesbian. My last wife was from India and 40 years younger than me but wasn’t attracted to me and after I lost my money we decided to call it quits.



All my five wives, I realized, are as crippled as I am. The only thing that makes life worth living is masturbation, cheating, freshly ground coffee, Godiva Belgian chocolate ice cream and the realization that whatever we do, whether we are homeless or Bill Gates, we will all rot and decompose in the ground - especially the wives. One of the few joys I have in the ninth circle of hell that I live in is laying a girl on her stomach massaging her stomach and putting my tongue in her ass and licking away. While I am eating her ass out I love to put her hand on the back of my head and tell her to fuck my tongue. I then roll her over and lovingly lick her clit like a small dick. After she comes she has so much gratitude, for what I hope are at least 5 orgasms, and when I fuck her mouth she welcomes my cum like it is the true gift from the gods. My favorite of the 7000 women I have had sex with was Linnea Quigley, who starred in 95 horror films including a sequel to Night of the Living Dead. One reason I won’t kill myself is that I want to eat her ass again. If there is a God he will grant me my last wish to be toilet paper for her rectum.