Sports Porn

NBA referee Tim Donaghy is under investigation for fixing the scores of NBA games.

The Tour De France removed, it seemed, a rider a day for doping violations.

NFL star quarterback Michael Vick is being indicted for participating in illegal dog fighting operations.

Barry Bonds is about to break Hank Aaron’s home run record with the help of massive amounts of performance-enhancing drugs.

This is the first time in the history of our country that athletes are more crooked than politicians.

The infection of sports running amok is like someone getting poison ivy and passing it on to his network of friends. We have a pastime that used to be a fun, harmless distraction and now has turned into a war. Just as George Bush has trapped us in a useless and directionless situation in Iraq and has trivialized the lives of U.S. and Iraqi’s alike, we are going in the same direction in the sports world.

As the leader of the free world I blame Bush for setting a bad example. Bonds, Vick, Donaghy and these cyclists are all carrying on just like Bush, meaning they are corrupt and mediocre.

It is like when a jury-rigged car bomb rips through our million dollar tanks and kill our armor-less soldiers. Sports have become cheap and futile and absurd.

The sanctity of the struggle of Roman gladiators fighting for their lives in the coliseum made us feel more alive. It was a true competition that inspired and entertained. Nowadays their chariots would be fueled by high-octane jet fuel and tiny robots would kick sand in your eye.


Sports have become as exaggerated and as inauthentic as pornography.

Fat Birds Flock Together

Flab is as familiar as our friends so it is no wonder that according to a new study, obesity is contagious.

The most successful business in the United States, aside from religion is the diet industry. Dieting is like playing Three-Card Monte, you cannot win.

Addicts, whether gambling, drug or otherwise, lack constraint and self control. An example of the self-destructiveness that flows from this inability to curb our excess was proven once again by the arrest of Lindsay Lohan this weekend. It seems like she is attempting to break the ropes of childhood and human restraint. It is not some random incident that her friends are as self-destructive as she is. Although she lacks obesity, she has every other human ailment that causes pain and futility in the human condition.

The old cliché that Birds of a Feather Flock together illustrates well how addicts hang out together. You can see this pattern at just about any Anonymous style meeting. The Framingham study reinforced the pattern of being influenced by those around you. There is a famous philosophical tenet that says: in the valley of the blind, the one eyed man is king. This penchant for emulating our chubby friends is proven to going to any OA or weight watcher meeting or buffet table. Fat people love other fat people because they know that their pals will be less judgmental and they justify their model becomes one of excessive eating.

Following the methodology of this recent study, I believe that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. In my hope that rather than another gastric bypass surgery (I have gone from 400 to 175 pounds) I am going to start hanging out with men with huge penises so that my cock will grow.