Happy Fucking Birthday!

I took my wife out to celebrate her 30th birthday the other night. I met my fifth and last wife in October three years ago. At the time I was still publisher of Screw and producing a weekly cable TV show which aired only in Manhattan called Midnight Blue. It was a raunchy 60 Minutes-type format where I interviewed Sam Kinnison, Penn & Teller (well, just Penn), Bobby Slayton, Grandpa Al Lewis, Jackie Gayle, Gilbert Gottfried and Otto, The Dummy, not to mention the numerous porno actors and producers including Seke, Linda Lovelace, Gloria Leonard and Marilyn Chambers.

I had also been a film reviewer for Penthouse for 20 years as well as writing for such varied publications as Playboy, Forum, Forbes and The New York Times. I had homes in Amsterdam, L.A., New York and a three-million-dollar mansion in Pompano Beach, Florida. I had six girlfriends and a varied buffet table of groupies and whores. When flying to my New York office from Florida one day I met a graduate student who was working on her NYU thesis "grandiosity and narcissism" and for some odd reason she thought I would make a good interview. Her name was Samara and she was a long-legged 27-year-old bronzed beauty who had been born in New Delhi, India, and raised in New Zealand with her brothers and sisters. To me New Delhi meant delicatessen and this fresh slab of new meat meant a new vagina to munch on.

She was from a conservative and aristocratic family; her father was a surgeon and her mother a lawyer. Though she was 27, she was a beauty who looked 19 and those legs made me a pearl diver who wanted to lap and lick her Tandoori flavored clit. She was enthralled with my "bad boy" reputation and sexual excesses. I had made love to almost 6000 women in my lifetime. She, on the other hand, was a virgin. Opposites do attract and we started dating. I was a born-again and porn-again hedonist. She was the worst cocksucker I had ever mouth-fucked. I was a great teacher. In addition to getting the blowjobs up to speed and teaching her to swallow, I also taught her how to have an orgasm. Her first! You have to teach inexperienced females how to relax enough and feel the pleasure and learn to be uninhibited and savor a lapping tongue. To shut the brain off and turn on the libido. We started to date and I fell in love with her brains and bush. As Screw went bankrupt and my world collapsed she stood by me. No one else did! From mansions to a homeles shelter and living in Central Park, I was abandoned by the world of pornography. Larry Flynt, whose magazine I helped start in 1972, to the disloyal pimp Dennis Hoff, to Paul Fishbein at AVN to Ron Jeremy (who had been my best man when I got married in Las Vagas 20 months ago). Booble and Penn&Teller and my wife were the only ones loyal to me.

Flash forward to two weeks ago and after almost two years of marriage my wife lives in a very nice condo in New Jersey and I live in a one-room storage area in Staten Island. The key to a successful marriage is lots of space between the couples. My wife and I spend 24 to 36 hours together and about 150 hours apart. In some ways it is like my second marriage to a Pan Am flight attendent named Mary Phillips, the best of my previous first four wives. It ended after four years when she came home early from a flight to Germany and caught me cheating.

Back to my wife's birthday. I wanted her to have a celebratory time in the face of my financial woes. Penn Jillette paid for a night at the Hilton. I showered and hosed my balls down. Samara was going to be 30 (I am 69). Now that she was in her 30's it would be time to dump her and start an affair with one of her younger sisters (no need for meeting a new set of parents.) After a dose of Viagra (200 mil) and an hour of hot and horny sex with my wife, she begged me to stop eating her since her clit was "too sensitve." I continued to tongue lash her. It was inverted sadism. Then came a knock on the hotel door. Samara had a suprise present for me. It was my favorite prostitute from an escort service. My wife got her pussy licked by a woman (for the first time) while I stroked my cock over her hungry mouth. We forgot to light candles but I did flame up her wick. It was her favorite birthday. And because we all ate pussy instead of birthday cake, there were no guilt pangs over unwanted calories. I can't wait till her birthday next year!