Turkey Day

The most absurd part of Thanksgiving is that we celebrate the turkey. The turkey is a truly ugly bird that is not the national symbol of America. If we want topical congratulations to America’s bird we should really learn how to roast an eagle.

For me, the most exciting component of Thanksgiving was that the bird was in the perfect position to be fucked. It is on its back and its innards, like some hideous pussy, is spread wide for the world to gape at. I would like to lick around the vaginal-like entrance of the turkey’s crevice and then perform turkey-lingus.

On some occasions I would forgo the oral sex with the hideous bird and stick in my dick immediately inside instead. After cumming in the turkey's hole, I imagine the other guests thanking me for adding something special and different to their meal.

The turkey’s of today are different than the turkeys of 40 years ago. Back then, each turkey had its own taste and individuality. Now turkeys are as boring and bland as a McDonalds hamburger because of all the hormones. Today’s turkeys are the equivalent of the Frankenstein monster. I wouldn’t be surprise if the turkey farmer/lab technician yells “It’s Alive!” after each bird is hatched.

In fact, today’s turkey meat tastes like sponge and the experience is not unlike licking the pussy of a 70 year old hooker on the back streets of Harlem. The only thing that makes our nauseating Thanksgiving gourmet experience acceptable is the cranberry sauce. At least that has flavor. We should have made the cranberry our national bird.

I propose, as President of the United States, to bury the turkey every year instead of cooking it and start eating some real food.