How To Cook Halibut

Coming soon: One of my finest articles called "Married to the Mob" in next month's Hustler. Be on the lookout.

I am watching how to cook halibut on the Food Channel's "Everyday Italian" show and I thought of something. There are so many things in life that you cannot have at that instant. For instance, if you want to watch a new movie, you have to go to a theater. I want to eat halibut right now but I don't want to spend the time buying the ingredients or cooking it. But there must be a god because the one desire we have and very rarely want to wait for is sex. God gave us the gift of masturbation because when you are horny you can just jerk off right then and there. You don't have to shower or get dressed in nice clothes or put on some Drakkar Noir. You can just drop your pants in front of a porno and make it happen. Even though I am an atheist I am starting believe in god because of this wonderful gift.

So since I have not ejaculated in a while, I just jerked off. The difference between cumming by yourself or with a woman is minimal. So why even bother. Masturbation is a wonderful substitution for the real act. When I was the publisher of Screw and having sex three to five times a day, the changing face of romance was very clear to me. I wasn't really having sex, I was eating pussy. I started Screw when I was 32 and from then until it went bankrupt in when I was 68 I had a plethora of pussy. I had an act. I had a rhythm. I would hug her (because women like this), then throw her on her stomach and eat her ass for five to 20 minutes. This would drive her nuts. I would then eventually cum in her mouth. My favorite hump of all time Linnea, as you know, would beg me for my "Jew Juice."

I do not study pussy like I used to. Pharmaceuticals and age have dissipated my sex drive. But when the rare urge does arrive I fantasize about sucking toes. My last wife Christine, I never penetrated her, but had great clean toes which I loved. I don't know why, maybe it is sublimated cock-sucking. I used to like to run my tongue around her little piggies and drive her and I crazy. This is the path I am traveling down. Strange, I know. By the time I turn 80 I will probably be sucking on exhaust pipes.