Surgery

As I sit in my favorite New York bookstore where they sold out of my latest autobiography I am a nervous wreck. I have thirty milligrams of valium pumping through my cake-encased arteries as I plan for ten hours of surgery at the Veterans Hospital Tuesday morning. I am a Korean War veteran and kept Long Island City safe from various villains and menaces. Not only did my being a vet pay for four years of undergrad at Pace but it permits me to get medical attention at their superior NY facilities. The VA always gets the best ratings for their advanced medical treatment and being poor now I am treated gratis.



Why at age 70 am I willing to undergo a ten-hour surgical procedure? I will get two thousand stitches and a week or two recovering. The main reason is that three years ago when I lost 140 pounds I became more beautiful and now I am looking for a runway to model on. What I have left are the remnants of 15 pounds of hanging dead, inert skin. There is no exercise or way of treating this Frankenstein-like appendage. The folds in the skin looks like a map of the moon with constant infections. But by surgically removing the skin, and a quick 10 pound weight loss, I will become even more beautiful than human eyes will gaze at. Is that reason enough for a 70 year old altercocker like me to undergo the vigor of this horrible invasive surgery?



The answer is a resounding yes! My cock will look larger and more beautiful than Ron Jeremy’s. Ron will stay hairy, fat, hideous and Jewish, but I shall be like a caterpillar metamorphosing into a butterfly. My beautiful cock will be such a gold standard of art that it will outsell replicas of the statue of liberty and the twin towers put together.

Three years ago I won the AVN award for best supporting porno actor. Ron directed and I ate two 20 year old pussies and popped a load in the hungry mouth of one of my co-stars after taking 400 mg of Viagra. Though my head spun like a helicopter and I nearly took off, my dick was rigid and for a Jew had the girth and dimension of Godzilla’s private parts. Now as I plan for my return to the cinema and single life (since I recently had my fifth divorce) I want a flat stomach and a cock of gargantuan proportions thanks to the wonders of modern medicine.