You Don’t Deserve This Column

This week’s blog was going to be about how to eat pussy and bring your friend’s wife to orgasm, the way I do. I then thought of a much more important article that is penetrating, thoughtful and insightful. Even though being sexless and neutered, as you all are, I have decided to go with the latter.

The importance of a lead in an article is to bring the local yokels into your tent. Since most of you either have Alzheimer’s, been lobotomized or are in a drug induced stupor - I have decided to devote my rhetoric to the more important happenings in the world.

Another reason I am delaying my treatise on the art of Cunnilingus is that you are starving masses huddled in front of the flickering light of your computer screen. My learned words on clit licking are wasted on your pathetic, bald domes. Talking about eating pussy is like showing those leaving weight watchers meetings pictures of chocolate éclairs.

The dichotomy between feeding you horny pig’s morsels of raw flesh and writing seriously about my profound mental meanderings is a battle that every writers have.

This is the week Hillary came back from the dead, Obama admitted he is nothing but a curly haired boogey and Sharper Image went bankrupt. This is the week with more jobless and bankrupt homes since the depression. I lost my home six years ago because I wanted to beat the rush.

The human condition is filled with mendacity, spin-meistering and a permeation of evilness. The human condition is further exemplified by bunch of chimps eating a dead chimp baby in the jungle or crocodiles mauling wildebeests.

Half of my audience is bi-polar and the other half is just plain crazy. Based on scrutinizing the thousands of comments we have received most of them are from those who admire me for trailblazing a path to the modern sexual revolution. An example of my outlaw and lawbreaking ways is demonstrated in the FBI letter I showed you several months ago. Once J Edgar Hoover died everyone criticized his faggotry but I was such a pain in his ass (I swear I never fucked him) that I did get this letter only six months after I started Screw. This letter shows what a threat I was to public morality.

Larry Flynt did not steal the Screw concept until three years later. Hefner still airbrushed pubic hairs and Bob Guccione was still two years away from publishing my favorite men’s magazine Penthouse.

Read the letter or have your caretaker read it again. It is why I am a legend and it is a disgrace that the AVN has never given me my due. The majority of those who write to this blog (we read every comment) are friends who admire me for my first amendment battles. The minority of commentators are filled with envy, jealously and self-hatred. They have little dicks, and other than sex with their mother, father and siblings they masturbate themselves to sleep. All these sycophants do is envy the 7000 women whose holes I burrowed into while the only sex you have is sex with your hand (which fell asleep on you.) They have pygmy minds and pygmy cocks and all they can rail out against is Trotsky, Cuba and how they wrap themselves in their own feces while falling asleep.