Turkey Day
The most absurd part of Thanksgiving is that we celebrate the turkey. The turkey is a truly ugly bird that is not the national symbol of America. If we want topical congratulations to America’s bird we should really learn how to roast an eagle.
For me, the most exciting component of Thanksgiving was that the bird was in the perfect position to be fucked. It is on its back and its innards, like some hideous pussy, is spread wide for the world to gape at. I would like to lick around the vaginal-like entrance of the turkey’s crevice and then perform turkey-lingus.
On some occasions I would forgo the oral sex with the hideous bird and stick in my dick immediately inside instead. After cumming in the turkey's hole, I imagine the other guests thanking me for adding something special and different to their meal.
The turkey’s of today are different than the turkeys of 40 years ago. Back then, each turkey had its own taste and individuality. Now turkeys are as boring and bland as a McDonalds hamburger because of all the hormones. Today’s turkeys are the equivalent of the Frankenstein monster. I wouldn’t be surprise if the turkey farmer/lab technician yells “It’s Alive!” after each bird is hatched.
In fact, today’s turkey meat tastes like sponge and the experience is not unlike licking the pussy of a 70 year old hooker on the back streets of Harlem. The only thing that makes our nauseating Thanksgiving gourmet experience acceptable is the cranberry sauce. At least that has flavor. We should have made the cranberry our national bird.
On some occasions I would forgo the oral sex with the hideous bird and stick in my dick immediately inside instead. After cumming in the turkey's hole, I imagine the other guests thanking me for adding something special and different to their meal.
The turkey’s of today are different than the turkeys of 40 years ago. Back then, each turkey had its own taste and individuality. Now turkeys are as boring and bland as a McDonalds hamburger because of all the hormones. Today’s turkeys are the equivalent of the Frankenstein monster. I wouldn’t be surprise if the turkey farmer/lab technician yells “It’s Alive!” after each bird is hatched.
In fact, today’s turkey meat tastes like sponge and the experience is not unlike licking the pussy of a 70 year old hooker on the back streets of Harlem. The only thing that makes our nauseating Thanksgiving gourmet experience acceptable is the cranberry sauce. At least that has flavor. We should have made the cranberry our national bird.
I propose, as President of the United States, to bury the turkey every year instead of cooking it and start eating some real food.
posted by Al Goldstein @ 6:05 PM
15 comments
15 Comments:
Al,
You wouldn't want to fuck a turkey, at least not a fresh one. They are stinky as fuck. Cleaning a freshly killed turkey smells worse than uncut nigger cock.
Mitch Haase
Al, Where do you stand on fucking a pizza?
It will just be another thursday for me Al ...no biggie!!
Eric Montoya
Pizza is too hot to fuck.
AG
I'm not at all sure what a 70 year old hooker's pussy feels like, but unless she regularly eats rotting meat, I doubt she will taste like an eagle.
Now as a national bird, I'd take the turkey anyday. First off, the turkey is distinctly American, while there are species of eagles on nearly every continent. And as you implied, there is no more reasonable tribute to an animal than to devour it.
Al, what's the matter? No family to eat the bird with? Turkey meat is leaner, full of natural sedatives and not cancer causing like flesh from cows or pigs. Fact is, it is the safest animal to eat. Even better than chicken.
Quit the obnoxious neurosis, try to enjoy the season and forget the Scrooge holiday spin. The feast of lights awaits, and Hanukkah Harry has gifts for you. So bless us with 8 positive happy blogs so that we may celebrate.
Speaking of food I would love to watch Al Goldstein's editorials on Wendy's Hamburgers and airline food that appeared on his Midnight Blue cable TV show during the mid 1980s. And, I recall one of his editorials where he invoked his infamous "Goldstein curse" on an Italian restaurant simply because it didn't have any garlic for its customers. Needless to say, that restaurant closed its doors for goods soon afterwards.
All hail the Goldstein curse!
please post a naked photo of yourself al.
Al, I would like to see you shaved and spread.
The turkey I ate this Thanksgiving tasted like someone came in it; could it have been you??? It was stuffed with cum and nuts (chestnuts). Happy Holidays...
I'd hate to eat a turkey that was basted with human sperm cells but if anyone is interested in seeing someone gobbling down a turkey sandwich that was apparently smothered in Jerry Butler's semen then one should pick up the uncensored version of RAW TALENT. RAW TALENT is a classic shot-on-film porn movie that was released during the mid 1980s by VCA. Unfortunately, VCA removed that particular scene during the early 1990s.
i'd pay to watch al fuck and eat a turkey stuffed with shit.
Remind me never to eat the Turkey at Al's Thanksgiving Dinner....
This posting still makes sense if you you substitute "Porn Star" for "Turkey", "Pornos" for "Thanksgiving", and "girl" for "bird".
However, I cannot figure out a good substitute for "Cranberry"
Funny how food and sex are basically the same thing.
But Al has know this for some time. I'll never forget Al's rant on Midnight Blue about how jews want food after sex. As a jew (who was too young for sex at the time) I did not really get that comment at the time, but now I do.
How about combining the two? Is there a guide to better food fucking? Can you bake a better vagina?
Please tell me Al, which food product will feel best on my dork.
Al,
Do you still shave your balls?
Mitch Haase
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