If I Were President I Would Legislate Noise

I call it the rape of my ear. Sometimes, when I am on the subway trying to read the New York Post, some guy stands right next to me and makes an announcement about the M&M’s or Starburst candy he is selling. Other times he talks about Jesus. Either way it is a supreme invasion of my privacy. Then I realized the same thing happens when I am watching television. They know I am a captive audience when I am watching the Phil Spector trial, but why must I be forced to watch garish commercials about diarrhea pills and mattress sales? It’s like being with a hooker when she asks if I want to pay another $100 for her to lick my asshole. Of course I am going to say yes. I guess that’s why my kitchen is filled with useless as-seen-on-TV Garlic Presses and Hot Dog Toasters that do not work.

But the one thing I cannot buy is silence. In my race for the presidency the political rhetoric is not only a rape of my ear but it is also akin to shoving a sharp saber deep into my eardrum. It is not unlike the torture during the Spanish inquisition.

These invasions into my privacy and silence are the reasons why people become nuns and run away to a God who is always silent and mute. It has reached the point where a smart entrepreneur is going to create a silent space where people can pay to enter and be left alone for a few minutes. The Ayatollah and the fascists of the world have won the battle by shoving iPod’s into all of our ears.

Silence is not only golden it is its own reward. Hearing the blood in our arteries and our stomach’s silent rumblings, hearing our brains capitulation for the silence of non-vocal workmanship. These are the pleasures in life that exist no longer.

Even the rumble of our computer keyboards are not unlike the nosiest place in the world to be, on a beach with a sound of the rumbling surf intruding our tranquility. Television is filled with nothing more than obnoxious boardwalk pitchmen making us pay for the program. That is why I prefer the English approach where you pay for your television and you do not watch commercials. PBS used to be like that but now they have commercials longer than a boa constrictor in between shows.

I used to ask my girlfriends and wives to stifle those rare moments of orgasm and excitement. What I used to hate most about one-time Playboy centerfold Teri Weigel was that she would start moaning and groaning before she even entered my bedroom. If there was ever a reason to use ether to silence a woman, this was it. Don’t moan or feign orgasm - just peacefully lick my balls, but silently.