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Friday, February 02, 2007

The Perfect Drug

I am a camel walking the warm sands of the desert in search of nourishment. I am not hunting water but the magnificent aroma, warmth and wondering of pussy. As publisher of Screw for 37 years I chomped on different vaginas many times a day. Pussy is as diverse and distinctive as the varieties of wine. Bordeaux, a Sauterne or the repugnance and sugary sweetness of Manishevitz. That wine alone, by the way, is enough to disprove the theory that Jews are the chosen ones. Did the grapes grow on the sunny side of the mountain or in the valleys? We have to ask the same of the pussies we have known and loved. Their very birth imprints on them a taste and a bonanza of flavors.

Now that Screw for me is but a memory of when I had power and money, the absence of the vapor of vagina is nothing more than a faded memory.

When I was six years old I loved the smell of gasoline. I had this fantasy that I could mainline high octane 93 into my veins. Now that gasoline is so very expensive I dream instead of crack.

My addictions to those nostalgic smells are so pervasive and repetitive that I have signed up for a 12 step program to help me let go of the neurotic and habit forming attraction of these tidbits of flesh and morsels of munching. From the first time I ate pussy when I was 16, I found it the elixir of youth. It coats my teeth enamel and protects me from the germs that surround our universe.

My ultimate fear is one day we will find out that pussy juice cures all diseases. Prostate cancer, the common cold and all the sufferings that the human body must undergo. Pussy could be the penicillin of good health. It is the herb and medicine that keeps on giving. In the last 15 months as I have not has the pleasure of licking labia, tasting taint or blowing on boobs I have found that I have not only aged but my diabetes has worsened.

As I pass my 71st birthday, these are the medicines I take: 850mg of Metaformin twice a day, 100mg of Cozaar twice a day, 150 mg of Ranadine twice a day, 300mg of Lithium three times a day, 40mg of Prozac twice a day, 10mg of Valium twice a day, 25mg of Lamictal daily, and Ambien at night. If I can just find a companion with a vagina for me to explore I would give up my medications faster than you can say cunnilingus.

20 Comments:

At 2:22 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

Al,

It is an honor to leave the first comment on this, your latest blog entry.

I also take lots of anxiety and anti-depressant medications and feel that if these god damned homosexuals would stop it already with the assless chaps and felching in front of my apartment I would happily give up all of the pills.

I am a straight man living in San Francisco and it is starting to wear on me. Queers trotting up and down my street are ruining the scenery. When I look out my window I want to see hot pussy and big tits, not some cocksucking faggot making out with a short, hairy man.

Mitch Haase

 
At 9:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Have you tried strychnine? It cures all.

 
At 3:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Al, Your liver must be 'chopped liver' by now with all those drugs filtering through it. Have any of those mood enhancers changed your usual sunny disposition and made you more human? I look forward to seeing you in NYC; I still love and admire you...crazy fucker that you are. Marcia

 
At 5:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Al, grow a brain. The meds will kill you quicker than old age or natural causes. I'm sure Elvis would agree. FDA is corrupt and most approved drugs are poison. I weaned my wife off high blood pressure and diabetes meds by sexing her to health. Find a piece of ass and stop letting quacks turn you into a human drug store.

 
At 2:47 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Al,
What is your diagnosis? What do you have? Tell me!

 
At 3:52 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Goldstein, good speaking with you yesterday, even if it was mostly a monologue. I'm sending out 4 page letter today, with some HELP enclosed for what ails you. love, Marcia

 
At 11:25 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

who has the best pussy? Florida or New York?

 
At 11:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow this is crazy amazing!

Discount

Cigarettes


Native

Cigarettes

 
At 8:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

If pussies one day cured everything, then women would finally earn the same amount as their male counterparts (LOL). I wouldn't have to push paper for a corporation, and sit at home simply masturbating to produce medicinal secretions.

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger Godless Whore said...

When you are broke and you still want fresh pussy, you have to be a little nicer :)

 
At 11:03 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Micth Hasse, send me $100K and I will start screw online AND I am also prepared to perform cunnilingus on your wife and girlfriend while you watch and take notes.
AG

 
At 11:04 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Mitch Hasse,
I have one word for you: move. Or be like the Cyclops and blind yourself.

 
At 11:05 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Lovelace’s pussy,
Marriage is my choice of death.

 
At 11:05 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Moose,
Thank you for your kindness and I will never forget your generosity. I look forward to seeing you too. Read the March issue of Hustler page 79.
AG

 
At 11:06 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Words to save your life,
You are probably right but valium settles my anxiety and ambient puts me to sleep.

 
At 11:07 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Best pussy,
The pussy in front of you at this moment is the best pussy. Pussy is based on proximity, if its close its worth loving.

 
At 11:07 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Travis America
I don’t remember my ex-wives names. Plus I am not the yellow pages. Keep your fantasy, love the girls and enjoy your life.

 
At 11:07 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Godless whore,
I am so nice that I have become a lesbian. I would be the greatest boyfriend any woman could have. I want intimiay, closeness, and I will continue to continue to watch the food network.

 
At 2:36 PM, Blogger Godless Whore said...

Al,

Although I believe that you are learning, but old habits die hard~


As far as munching on me--- dirty old men turn me on- are you UP for the occasion?

 
At 9:38 AM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

godless whore,
i am up for it. email me your # and i will call you. are you in or near nyc?
ag

alvingoldstein@gmail.com

 

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