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Thursday, June 21, 2007

Ol’ Man President

All my life I was afraid of death. Now that I lost all my money, friends and girls I anxiously await death. I was warned about the ultimate silence of death, but never warned about the greatest punishment leveled against human beings - growing old. My knees and feet hurt from arthritis. I cannot sleep without the help of Ambien and cannot stop depression without Valium and constantly whining about everything. My cock is stiff not from erection, but due to pre-rigormortis.

It has long been argued that only cowards kill themselves. The truth of that is self-evidenced by getting old and eating lunch at a senior citizen’s center. While slurping my pea soup along with these other dreadfully boring old fogies, death in my mind becomes an expensive cashmere blanket that will give me the peace and serenity I desperately long for. The greatest sin helps you forget everything you ever learned or read. I imagine the real joy is of it like a non-surgical frontal lobotomy that spares you the indignity of being discovered in a house of horrors.

But I am not alone in showing my age, just look at my competitors: the shriveled arms of John McCain, George W. Bush’s crippled mind and intellect, Hillary Clinton’s snizz showing the first strains and smells of rot, Obama’s graying nappy hair, and John Edwards looking for more crippled clients to exploit the legal system with. Only Al Goldstein remains like a lump on their collective ass ready, to do good because his life is about to end, and he has nothing to lose but being a useful contributor to our way of life.

16 Comments:

At 9:38 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang in there AL. You are loved,admired and missed.

 
At 3:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Al, don't let quacks send you out of this world on a druggy sedative cocktail. Stay away from chemical food preservatives and eat a lot of fruit and veggies to combat depression. To fight insomnia check for a potassium magnesium deficiency. It's a common cause of illness. Most Docs won't reveal any of this info. They'll keep you in the dark to push prescriptions. Wake up, old man. There is no such thing as phantom disease. Only junk food or the lack of nutrition we put in our bodies to defend against death by poison food and/or bad doctors.

 
At 4:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Veggies and Fruit helped me when I was depressed. You should join a food co-op, if you can find one in your neighborhood. All there veggies and fruits are organic. Ask them how to cook organic food. At your age your want to take care of your health as much as possible, wether your poor or rich.

 
At 7:28 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have nightmares of being homeless and not knowing if I'll be able to pay the rent for the next month so I know how hard it could be, the best would be to get a job or money to do things and not think about your situation all day... Maybe I will be able to do something if I have the opportunity...

 
At 12:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
shorter of breath and one day closer to death."

 
At 4:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Embrace death, don't be afraid. People die the way they lived; you weren't afraid of life; so death should be the other side of the coin. You created all your accomplishments and tsuris...and death should be your greatest accomplishment. Go out in style; as only The Goldstein can. I look forward to reading about it in the papers.

 
At 11:14 PM, Blogger Matthew Sheahan said...

Don't kill yourself, Al. You've faced down censorship and all other kinds of worldly hardships. Face these problems with the same bravery and 'fuck you' attitude that makes you so cool.

 
At 1:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Al,

Come to California! Work on my organic farm. I'm serious!

hang in there man...we all love you!

northofsf@yahoo.com

 
At 1:07 AM, Blogger Nooyawka said...

Al, Whatever happened to Dean Latimer? My guess is he bit the big one quite a while ago, since nothing about him survives on the net. I lost touch with him way back when you were still married to Mary P. Oh, while you're at nostalgia, what happened to Jim B, your founding partner?

 
At 6:21 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

Fuck yeah Al, keep your contributions coming. If dumb bitches and politicians don't get it that's nothing new.

Pills and booze work great when I am depressed.

Mitch Haase

 
At 11:59 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Aww Mister G, don't be sad .. there's lots of us geezers out there who are working harder than ever to stay afloat, while our bodies go south on us. Madame knows there is no way a man who has so been tireless his whole life, won't find his way over the potholes of life.

Good thoughts & best wishes the madameknows.com Crew!

The organic farm sounds like something we could ALL use a month of.

 
At 9:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Al Goldstein, in my book because of your fight for first amendment rights, and because you fought for my right to live free and say what I want, when I want, you sir are a national treasure. Thank you Al Goldstein for fighting for my rights!

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Thank you for all the kind words. I hope you all vote for me and I thank all of those who write. Your words help keep me going.
AG

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

I hope to live a few more years because suicide will make too many people happy.
AG

 
At 2:16 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

There is no difference between a president and a pornographer. They both fuck the public.
AG

 
At 11:38 PM, Blogger J said...

Love your Goldstein08 page. Makes me laugh my ass off the way Midnight Blue did. I especially love: It takes a pillage.

 

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