Alligator vs. Snakes (Not on a plane)
I feel very lonely at this moment. I am living in my four floor walkup hovel in Howard Beach, which is this wilderness of self-congratulatory imbecility, and I am lucky to be living in this shit-covered street with other defeated denizens of a cruel world. My alienation and isolation can be broken via several choices: stay on the internet, which is like being a refugee in a Harlem library; book a dumb, old and aging hooker who will throw me a fuck for a pittance; read an engrossing book or a newspaper splattered with the most recent NYC murders; anything to help me take my mind off the good old’ days when my body was young and I had money and nine girlfriends a week who would help me spend my loot. None of these choices are exciting to me so I will probably masturbate, take 10 milligrams of valium and take an old man’s nap.
Lithium (300mg each pill) was like a guillotine that cut my head off. I remembered and thought about nothing and twice in the last four months I wound up in mental institutions and I am still not sure how I got there. But the real dark side of these experiences was that Jamaica Hospital Mental Ward just sent me a bill for $1900. I could have stayed at The Plaza for a lot less and had better food. The other bill I got was from the Howard Beach fire department for their limousine like transport to a different nuthouse.
When I was 450 pounds three years ago I would eat gargantuan meals to sedate myself. Now that I am 70 years and a svelte 185 I simply stroke my male member and ejaculate to calm my nerves and validate my masculinity. In the old days there were female mouths to swallow my spunk but now I use a pale sponge or Bounty ™ to catch my drippings. My weight loss is thanks to Dr. Arrone in NYC who sent me to Lennox Hill hospital for gastric bypass surgery. Looking back, he should have sent me to a divorce lawyer to protect my balls and a smart non-thieving accountant to prevent my many embezzlements.
I have other choices, as a sex and love addict, to continue my pattern of self-destruction and oblivion by finding other wives. This is a much harder task because of my poverty. But I need a wife or a live-in girlfriend to blame my catastrophes on. I am like that famous zeppelin, the Hindenburg that went down in flames in NJ. Wherever you put me I will burn and so it seems I am being prepared for hell. I need a woman in my life to not only hate but to plan my murder of (poison is best, as bullets are too messy).
My real excitement as I have always said is the History Channel, Court TV, CNN and what really pumps blood into my dick is the National Geographic Channel. Tonight they are scheduling a gripping saga: a 15 foot anaconda is going to fight and then swallow a six foot alligator. It reminds me Linda Lovelace of sucking my cock in 1972.
Women who are the dark side of life have positioned me into a philosophical dilemma: a bullet from a .38 or Ambien to become a Rip Van Winkle without consciousness. My failures in life have included five ex-wives, bankruptcy, and an amoral son who after robbing me of a million miles, my watches traveled the most obvious road possible - he became a lawyer.
Since life is filled with so many booby traps there are no good choices. After our mothers popped us out of their cunts which was the highlight of my life - death is more appealing. But like the sirens of old who would tease us to further self destruction there are some aspects that keep me from suicide. The reason I haven’t killed myself even though I live in a toilet waiting to be flushed I that I still have pleasures and memories of pleasures. I haven’t eaten pussy in two years but I do have memories of how delicious it is. I hope before I croak in my VA hospital I get a thin-ankled and willing damsel to sit on my face. I miss the elixir which is pussy juice and rather than bob for apples, dreaming of bobbing for clit keeps me going. Do not forget the joy of freshly ground coffee and lobster rolls at Nathan’s
Additionally, before the Alzheimer’s wipes the blackboard of my mind clean the other people who keep me alive are the magician Penn Gillette (whom I love and will be forever grateful) and my favorite website Booble, and the fine people who work there (especially Bob), for giving me this outlet and permitting me to live with some dignity.
24 Comments:
I daresay, Master Goldstein, that your fun rants and raves are so utterly enjoyable that you should be a pornish poet in a new age vaudeville of live X-rated theater.
But since Giuliani long ago cleaned up the heart and soul of 42nd St. Valhalla Sleazadelphia, where does a literary lust legend go to educate the sexual havenot masses?
I miss Screw and Hustler way back when porno was sleazy and scummy, when the hottest starlets were ugly or nuts and not all air brushed zombies of post 9/11 death of the west mediocrity.
Oh, Porn Gold one, take us back in a time machine to 70s/80s smut, when the letter X was paved with sticky movie theater floors and not electronic bits and bites.
Ask Pen and Teller to make you part of their show in Vegas. Or they can raise funding to start a porn hotel resort in Sin City where you can have your name in lights and recite the best of your pornish prose while show girls suck you off.
I never knew you could write so well. Be the literary star that you are. And ride this website gig into a show for the stage...
Al, have you considered buying a lotto ticket? Hey, you never know.
you are right, i am far better than the world gives me credit for. if you are in new york we can meet for coffee. thanks for the thoughtful response.
al
blowbiz hasbin, those are lovely things to say to a patheric, rambling, deranged and defeated old pornographer. Such words clearly comfort him. After all, words are all that is left. New age vaudeville? or just an old fashioned cautionary tale. I wonder...
After everybody has used you and fucked you over, writing is the only luxury you have left.
i would as quickly buy a lotto ticket as i would go to times square to find a hooker and make her my next wife. you live in a dream world of false promises so when i cum in your mouth maybe you will become pregnant.
ha! what class act you are al! How bout if we have dinner together? I'll take you to a classy restaurant. Taco bell okay with you? You can order anything on the menu! My treat! : )
al, i hope you realize that many many people admire and love you. I can't wait until you get a podcast or sirius show. midnight blue radio forever. stay well old man.
dear taco bell,
i am much more upscale and prefer wendys. this way i can have a baked potato and a jumbo half pounder. is there is a handjob in this transaction. if you are woman write me at alvingoldstein@gmail.com and we can meet up.
al
thank for your kind words. at this moment my age of 71 is identical to my IQ. after the failure of my 5th marriage and a bankruptcy i have all the self confidence of a jellyfish. help me find a girlfriend.
al
Al,
I've admired you since "Screw Magazine on the Air" was on Channel J, along with The Wizard's bizarre show (What ever happened to him)? I would gladly buy you a cup of coffee the next time you are in NYC. Be well and keep writing!
dear wizard,
if it is a large container of coffee from starbucks i will probably let you buy me one. more importantly can you get me laid? buy my book "i, goldstein" in stores now.
al
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