Stooping to Gecko Sex

My fifth wife Christine and I got married in Las Vegas two and half years ago. It was a $150 wedding at a sleazy Vegas chapel. To have an Elvis Presley look-a-like perform the vows would have cost an extra $100. My best man was Ron Jeremy and 20 freeloaders looked on. The lunch cost $48 at a Jack-in-the Box across the street from the church. Christine was 29 years old and had great legs. Since then she had the marriage annulled and the last sex we had was six months ago.

She was very much like my fourth wife Patty who blew me in the airlines club and was a sexual glutton until we got married. Like a man turning into a werewolf, Patty metamorphed into a lesbian. Though Christine did not turn into a lesbian, once married to Al Goldstein it is like dipping your cock into ice cold water. It is the death of sex. Granted she suffered from colitis and was always in the hospital.

With the help of 35 years of being the publisher of a sex paper and ringmaster of a sexual variety show for 27 years I have had sex (mostly cunnilingus) with more than 7000 women and probably gay sex with 20 men. The few interludes with circus and farm animals number less than five. In the last six months I have not eaten pussy nor had my cock sucked. In fact, for the first time in married life I did not cheat on Christine in the two years we were married.

This is why masturbation is truly a gift from Sartre. I am so pussy-starved (and too poor to get a hooker) that this week I called an old girlfriend, Saori, to beg and plead for mercy tongue lapping. I asked if I could park my tongue in her vagina for three minutes, breath-deeply and lick away. I am like a man in need of oxygen after scuba diving. I need the taste and aesthetic of the clit, the vulva and the vaginal walls. When I die I don’t want to be buried or cremated, I want to be pressed into a small slab of body flesh and inserted in some pretty girls womb. It sure as hell beats being gassed like a holocaust victim.

For any women reading this blog please help an old veteran and volunteer your cunt to me to eat for minutes, hours, days, weeks and even months. It has reached the point that I am even dreaming of cock (you pay before I blow) - if you will buy me a nice dinner and get me mementoes from Bloomingdales. I am sex starved, lonely and have been married too often. The post traumatic stress from all my failed marriages and relationships made me decide that my next wife will be that hot muscular Gecko from the Geico commercials. I will suck its toes, ass and tail. And maybe even kiss it if I get a bigger discount on my car insurance.

Seriously, men, women and mammals let’s set up a meeting so I can feel like I am alive again and get out of the fantasy world of masturbation and taste the real flesh of human juices. You can have sex with a legend and I can make a few bucks. I insist upon a note from your doctor saying you are healthy and of sound body - and we have a deal.