How to Keep your Lady Happy

I talked about being bored with pussy in my last column. For those of you not bored with pussy, which if you are on this site, is not a bad assumption - here is a tip on how to keep your woman happy.
There are so many pieces of ass and so little time. I want to be remembered by my partners and be thought of with affection and longing. A mere fucking or shooting a load in my latest girlfriend’s mouth is as special a White Castle Double Cheeseburger. My sexuality has become the Velveeta Cheese of fucking.
Like my girlfriend’s older boyfriends and the boyfriends to be, I am as forgettable as a secret fart in the hallway. How do I transcend the ordinary? It’s obvious I have to travel the road of the taboo. One of my favorite secrets is analingus. I’ve written before on how I love to put my tongue in pretty girl’s asses. Ninety-five percent are turned off. Eating your girlfriend during her period is both gross and a turn-on to her. Not being from Transylvania I do spit the blood out.
I have given more women orgasms lapping their tushes than I ever have munching on their clits. Her rumbling and galloping orgasms make last year’s tsunami seem like but a ripple in the ocean. I have had women cum with such excitement that they have actually ejaculated on my face. Their past lovers, whether black or white, small-dicked or big, have never given her the gift of pleasure that I have just bestowed upon her. Before I bestow this earthquake of joy upon her limp body I give her this unique foreplay that she will never forget.
I bathe her with particular emphasis on her toes. I make sure hasn’t been walking in combat boots. The stench of stinky feet or worse should not waft into the air. Then I lick between her toes and start sucking on them like a midget’s cock. Licking, lapping and sucking for at least ten minutes. I shrimp. Occasionally I run my tongue up to her thigh then go back to her little piggys. I would prefer it if she were a handicap or a cripple with one foot but I will do ten toes if I must. After she has sucked your cock dry in thanks and rolled over to sleep I can guarantee that she will never forget her night of bliss with you. You will be unforgettable to her. Although she may want it daily, tell her she can only have it once a week. Explain to her that money left behind would be appreciated and the more money she leaves the more available your tongue and mouth will be.
11 Comments:
When you're done "eating", tell us how you morphed from a character in a Charles Dickens novel to become the Alexander Porno of jerkoff prose?
dear holmes,
Your comment is obscure as your cement encased pseudo-mind. Whatever alien world you are from please return.
al
........ (speachless)
Toss her salad, and she will think of you every time she looks at romaine lettuce.
This will keep her from fantasizing about the waiter. Or Julius Caesar, for that matter.
Dr. I.M. Kookie says: Al, have you ever been treated for bi-polar disorder along with all your other health issues? In your comments to readers you can be a kinder, gentler, Al, and then switch immediately to a limp-dicked putz evil Goldstein. What's up with that? If you take some medication you my be able to win friends and influence people, or at least keep a wife! Here's to a sweeter Goldie !!
Booty Licker writes: Al, if Linnea suffered from infectious diarrhea would you "still" lick her bottom?
dear milky,
the greatest pleasure to me in eating jewish ass is that it is reminicent of gefelte fish with horseradish. if i had eaten gina's ass and not fucked her cunt my emotionally dead son would have been born a turd instead of a facimile of a human being. but since he is a high powered lawyer he is among the walking dead.
al
dear speachless,
i am as speachless as you are so what follows will be static. try small words first and then evolve into a bigger vocabulary.
al
dear zen,
triple your lithium dosage. try electroshock therapy and suicide will be like a blanket of tranquility over your disturbed head.
al
dear i.m.,
i am being treated for bi-polar at the VA at this very moment. i take lithium, prozac, lamictal. i am so overblown in my self importance that when i die i want to take the world with me. as walt whitman said "i contain multitudes" and i have not desire to be what others want me to be.
al
dear booty licker,
if linnea had diarreah i would cook her crap on the food channel and lick every morsel. she is the one woman in my life that miss deeply and with the urgency of someone in search of a public bathroom.
al
ps- linnea please come back to me!
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