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Thursday, September 14, 2006

What is wrong with me is what is wrong with them

My fifth marriage just ended last week so I am in a pensive mood.

Meaning of Life

They say in the 12 step sex addiction program: “We avoid responsibility for ourselves by attaching ourselves to people who are emotionally unavailable.”

I have also confused my neediness and inability to be alone in my never ending search for pussy. Though I sexualize everything from hot dogs to pencils my neurosis made me successful in the 35 years I published Screw. But it made me unfit to make adult choices for a partner.

My first wife Lonnie I married for spite because her family hated me since I was not rich. My favorite wife, Mary, I married in 1968 because she was a flight attendant and I could fly at a discount. My third wife Gena was a jew-ess and I wanted to experience castration. She also produced the spawn of the devil, my only ex-son. My fourth wife Patty, I married in 1989 the year my mother and father died and I didn’t want to be alone. She was like the flower girl in My Fair Lady and I wanted to mold her. She stalked me and after the marriage I found out she was a lesbian. My last wife was from India and 40 years younger than me but wasn’t attracted to me and after I lost my money we decided to call it quits.

No Diving

All my five wives, I realized, are as crippled as I am. The only thing that makes life worth living is masturbation, cheating, freshly ground coffee, Godiva Belgian chocolate ice cream and the realization that whatever we do, whether we are homeless or Bill Gates, we will all rot and decompose in the ground - especially the wives. One of the few joys I have in the ninth circle of hell that I live in is laying a girl on her stomach massaging her stomach and putting my tongue in her ass and licking away. While I am eating her ass out I love to put her hand on the back of my head and tell her to fuck my tongue. I then roll her over and lovingly lick her clit like a small dick. After she comes she has so much gratitude, for what I hope are at least 5 orgasms, and when I fuck her mouth she welcomes my cum like it is the true gift from the gods. My favorite of the 7000 women I have had sex with was Linnea Quigley, who starred in 95 horror films including a sequel to Night of the Living Dead. One reason I won’t kill myself is that I want to eat her ass again. If there is a God he will grant me my last wish to be toilet paper for her rectum.

19 Comments:

At 10:40 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pssh~ worthless~

 
At 9:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Al, now that you live at the salvation army, do you find it hard to score with chicks? Do you think you'll ever make millions again?

 
At 2:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Al for $300.00 you can have Linnea Quigley give you a phone call according to this website.

http://hollywoodiscalling.com/directory.php

scroll down until you see your dreamgirl. : )

 
At 9:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Forgive me for saying so, but the mental picture of a fat, dilapidated old man, even a famous one, eating ass, is just flat out gross. I'm not sure what's ickier, you with an age appropriate pussy, or you with a younger, more universally appealing twat. Either cooter with you is a detumescent (a detumescent being something that takes away your woody). Have a nice day, Your admirer (sort of), Reynard

 
At 10:04 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have to admit the part about using the tongue as toilet paper is kinda gross.

 
At 1:31 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Al,
I have a pagination ready for your new magazine/website/book tour. Can you get backers? Will Penn, Ron, and/or Paul give you lump sum of money anymore? Should I call DiStefano?

 
At 2:19 AM, Blogger Big Phil said...

Al, you are my hero. I pre-ordered your book on Amazon and I can't waoit to read it.

 
At 4:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

September Porn

Rant for just a while
Rave and let us read about you
It's been so long since cupid saw you
Cumming in a whore

Kibbitz with us a while
We only want to talk shop with you
You've traveled halfway to horny hell and back
To find yourself again

September Porn
You danced the goim witch hunt until smut saw a brand new day
A Jew lover playing scenes from some raunch romantic play
September porning still makes us jerk off that way

Look at what you've done
Why, you've become a legend of lust
I still can see your tongue flying
In the corner of a starlet's womb
And look how far we've cum
So far from where we used to be
But not so far that we've forgotten
The dirty trails you blazed before

September Porn
You danced the goim witch hunt until smut saw a brand new day
A Jew lover playing scenes from some raunch romantic play
September porning still makes us jerk off that way

 
At 8:03 PM, Blogger Zen Wizard said...

Best out of 7,000 would seem to be quite an accomplishment.

 
At 6:25 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Dear Shynrix,
Worthless is your life, your dreams, your dashed aspirations and the only thing of value are the cancer cells that are now devouring you. I hope you die in agony, solitude, and in a vat filled with sting ray piss.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Dear Salvation Army,
I am only interested in hobo cock and bums with hairy assholes encased in shit. Women were a waste of my time and finances. At least the bums of the world appreciate a smile and a pat on the back.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Dear Linnea lover,
I don’t want to hear her, I want to lick her. I want to breathe through her asshole and lick her toes and have her dream of my Jew juice. I miss her more than even life itself. When she dies I want to glue all her pubic hairs on my eyebrows and then lick my eyeballs. I am not a shit eater but I would use her turds as mouthwash and never use Lavoris again.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Dear Reynard,
I could not care one wit about your imaginings. You should dream about me fucking your wife, girlfriend or daughter as she gags on my coagulated sperm. If my life was predicated on fulfilling your fantasies I would have turned myself into one of Hitler’s shower rooms at Auschwitz.

 
At 6:26 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Dear Toilet paper,
I wake up every morning with a hope and objective of caressing your sensitive soul and never stepping into the region of grossness. Having failed at that, I hope you choke on my vomit, my diarrhea and my smegma. If you want pleasure confine your feeble reading to car ads.

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Dear Pagination,
Fuck you and your parasitic attempt to use my knowledge and friends. You are so empty a vessel that even maggots and worms at the local cemetery will pass your body.

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Dear Phil,
Thanks for the vote of confidence; it’s the smartest thing you’ve ever done. Email your address and help me get fresh pussy for my palate of past fleshy creations and I will even sign the book. While I sign the book will you at least jerk me off or give me your girlfriend.

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Dear poet,
Stop writing poetry, it bores the shit out of me. I only Coleridge and Bryon. But if you fix me with new girlfriends I will try and read your pretentious prose. As I approach age 71 on January 10th I only think about limber lips sucking my dick and hot steaming pussy filled with volcanic ash that will make me dream of the Discovery Channel.

 
At 6:27 PM, Blogger Al Goldstein said...

Dear Zen wizard,
If you tasted Linnea’s pussy like I have, you would see I am guilty of understatement. That pussy, those lips and those pretty little toes prove that there is a God and cunnilingus is his favorite activity.

 
At 12:07 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. You really ARE the world's dirtiest old man!

 

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