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Thursday, July 07, 2005

Losing My Online Virginity

I am a cheating and adulterous piece of shit, incapable of faithfulnes and fidelity. My cheating heart has dumped my old flame for the newest piece of snatch available. It's not pussy I'm moaning about, but rather my giving up the tape recorder and typewriter for this laptop computer.

In the last 36 years I've written millions of words for screw (now bankrupt) and 20 years of fuck film reviews for Penthouse (now bankrupt, too) and Playboy, Forbes, NY TIMES, New York Magazine and many, many others. But I have now found true love in the folds of my Dell computer and the vibrations of the curser as I manipulate HER smooth "skin" under my trembling touch. This is the most intimate relationship I have ever had. The connection between my brain and my fingers as I pound out these ideas for your edification is now making most direct trip possible. As a result I am now doing the best writing I have done because of the tactile excitement my fingertips feel as I vomit forth words of wisdom or at the very least, words of wiley wickednes.

This is fun. I hope someone out there is listening.

These porno sites are better then Viagra! I just jerked off to MILF Hunter. Twice. A 69 year old senior citizen has found the fountain of youth. I just cleaned the schmutz off my computer. Hooray for the Hunter! Viva the Internet!

26 Comments:

At 12:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

MILF Hunter is totally fake.

 
At 9:24 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It IS?!! Whoa! Is nothing sacred?! How bout WWF wrestling? Don't tell me that's fake, too!

 
At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't exactly plce it but if I'm not mistaken I think Al ( or Al's designee) wrote this particulat article before, word for word a few months ago?????

 
At 3:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

SCREW IS STILL ALIVE!

IT IS STILL ON STANDS!

And it's online...
www.screwmag.com

There's a message board there, too.
-Niggafish

 
At 5:37 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are still alive? How the fuck did you wind up homeless? When I left New York 10 years ago you were still cursing out that fucking cookie guy for fucking you over on that bet. Now you are in the dumpster. Life sucks. You're still a fucking genius Al.

 
At 3:57 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To Niggafish:

SCREW is dead!!!!!!!!!!!! What is on the newsstands is a cadaver!!! A corpse! A publication without Goldstein and that is run by the printers and art director is like fucking your mother and teen age daughter (while your father licks my hemorrhoids and I pop a load down his gullet).

YOU ARE JEALOUS OF MY 35 years of publishing the REAL AND ORIGINAL SCREW from 1968 and not last night's inferior and copycat rat. I AM THE REAL AL GOLDSTEIN AND YOU ARE NOT!!!!!!!! You jealous small cocked turd!

 
At 4:05 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

To Anonymous (about my going broke):

I went homeless because i am a brilliant and creative pornographer and a lousy bisiness man. I was robbed by Rose Robbins, Linea Quigley, distribiters, business managers, lawyers and accountants. Just one more typical American "suiccess story." ag

 
At 8:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Al, you are the greatest, just wanted to tell you that, also, I just finished the article in Razor magazine about you and would love to write a book about you. Why wouldn't anyone want to make millions with a book this good.

 
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