Booble Presents Al Goldstein

Because of being the legend of my own time and the “master of doing slime,” I come to you, being the newest contributor to “Booble.” I started “Screw” magazine in 1968 and generated 1800 issues of that magnificent tribute to men’s libido and high testosterone levels. For twenty-six years I produced a superb cable TV show called “Midnight Blue,” in which I interviewed all the top Porn stars.

I was 32 when I started “Screw” and when I entered the erogenous zone there was no such thing as “hard core.” In fact, the most you would see would be nipples from European films, where nudity was much more permissive and permitted than that of the United States. Before cable, America was more filled with Puritanism than when the Pilgrims set forth on the Mayflower. I have 21 arrests for publishing “Screw” magazine and my proudest one is my 1971 conviction for showing pubic hair. Pubic Hairs! Unbelievable, that it was considered dirty instead of a hairy hors d’oeuvre before you got into the real red meat.

For twenty years I reviewed porno films for “Penthouse” magazine. In other words, I am deeply immersed in the world of explicit sex. Much like Thomas Edison and the light bulb, I invented sex. I was there when Adam and Eve ate the apple. I was there when Dr. Kinsey came out from his studies of sexuality. I was there when the first caveman, not having eaten dinosaur meat for two weeks, went down on his wife and licked pussy.
Eureka! Yes you have met the “Rabbi of Raunch,” “The Prince of Porn,” “The King of Cunt.”

I have had blowjobs from Linda Lovelace (star of “Deep Throat”). I have had sex with “kittens” in the porn business such as Gloria Leonard, (Porn Goddess between 1978-1985, we were going to be married but she got mad when she found out I wanted to fuck her daughter), Seka (Swedish 1980’s bombshell Porn Queen. I remember one night we were in a hotel with Ron Jeremy and she kept waking us up, not to have sex but to join her while she sniffed coke. Jeremy and I declined the offer. We never did drugs.). I even mounted Ron Jeremy’s cock. (I’m kidding Ronnie! You are too hairy and too ugly and too smelly.)

I been known to suck on toes and even had a famous dominatrix in Holland called Monique Van Clef, put me in a pillory (an uncomfortable platform for punishment) and beat the shit out of me. In other words even though, for me, that was not a turn on, I would do and try anything sexually. I have even “swung” with 300 couples at “Plato’s Retreat” (A famous ‘Swing’ club in NYC, in the late 70’s which closed down in 1982, upon the arrival AIDS), ate pussy in sex rooms in Amsterdam, and got blowjobs in dark movie theaters where toothless senior citizens would gum my small Jewish cock. I have done and explored every nuance of my sexuality. Now I am into the ultimate perversion of monogamy. I must admit, monogamy is truly a strange destination for a world-class pornographer. I still jerk off though. I’ve been fixated with stroking my cock since I was twelve and love it deeply.

“Screw” magazine went out of business after 35 years thanks to the computer and the internet. It is a reality that newspapers and magazines are as obsolete as the “horse and buggy.” It is a stupid waste of time to cut trees down, make paper and put a product out when the logistics of that product from publication to the newsstand is “old world.” With a computer, everything moves ahead faster than the speed of light in comparison to “print,” which has the speed of a primate trying to think.

Even though I am a technological retard and a luddite (luddites are men who destroy labor-saving machines), I am now forced at gun point (I lost all my money) to walk the plank and learn how to use a computer so I can do my new jobs of marketing XonDemand and writing a weekly column for Booble about my adventures on the web and the current state of *what else* porn.

With all that being written, what you will be reading weekly, through the good graces of my “Masters at Booble,” whose cocks I had to suck in order to get this column, are important facts like these: the woman’s clit has a eight thousand nerve endings versus the tip of the penis which has four thousand nerve endings. Therefore, my dear readers, every time we lick a pussy or fuck a woman she is getting twice the pleasure. Now tell me, why the hell are we paying her two hundred bucks? Or, in the case of a wife, giving her our home? No one said “All’s fair in fucking.” Keep in mind these sex education tidbits will never be found on any other site but Booble. I may as well add another little snippet of information : A giraffe’s tongue is eighteen inches long which means that if you were a giraffe you could be licking ass and pussy at the same time.

Keep it Warm! Keep it Hot! Keep it Hard! See you next week. Bye.