DVD's, Pet Peeves and Larry Flynt
While you computer nerds have continued your beaver hunt seeking the freshest, newest and most twisted pussy on the Internet, I have been a productive human being and an important cog in the apparatus of civilization.
Alas, I do find time to continue to stroke my meager meat while looking at my favorite porn in the whole world. Old issues of Screw are as exciting as reading the Old Testament. And the various and sundry offerings on the various porn sites get me as hard as looking at the tires on the new Lexus SUV.
Lately, I have discovered Hustler DVD’s such as Larry’s Angels starring Memphis Monroe and Joey Hart. The pussies, the thin ankles, the athletic cock sucking, the spread-wide canyons of pussy flesh and the gusto of the carryings on (even though fake) get me rock hard. Even at age 70 I am now jerking off every day. Although, I have noticed that my cock has shrunk to miniscule proportions. It is no longer horse-like, but sea-horse like.
The one cliché in the Hustler films that I find as gross as fatty pastrami is when one girl sucks a wad of sperm juice and lets it ooze and lubricate the larynx of her girlfriend. It's like spittle making a break for freedom. She first gargles the cum like it is Lavoris, and it would be quite a bonus if it killed germs too. But instead she now smells like hanging testicles.
Let’s give Flynt and his magnificent editor Bruce David credit for helping to get a senior citizen, Korean War veteran and porno patriarch like me off. What is even better is that this DVD is free! It comes with the September 2006 edition of Hustler. To hell with the magazine and Larry Flynt’s need to lubricate the wheels of his wheelchair - this cripple is rich enough. If I had given my readers DVD’s with issues of Screw in the late 90’s, Screw would never have gone bankrupt.
10 Comments:
Old issues of Screw are as hot as Song of Solomon, which is pretty hot until he starts comparing his 5,000th wife's hair to a flock of goats or whatever.
Nowadays, we compare a hot woman to a Corvette--which is more accurate, because hot women involve high monthly outgoes of cash, and every man is jealous of you because they don't know the reality of all the maintenance, and how every mechanic comes in his pants when they see you pulling up because he's going to Hawaii this year with what you are going to spend on your high-maintenance eye-candy.
(That metaphor got a little weak at the end, I realize.)
I guess if you have 5,000 wives like Solomon, it would be statistically impossible for at least three of them to not be hot.
That would be a lot of anniversaries to remember, though.
And it would be really rough to leave shaving hairs on the sink and hear about it 5,000 times.
They didn't have toilet seats to leave up back in the Old Testament, but I'm sure women in all their creativity thought of something else to bitch about.
Wait--you're right. The Old Testament is not very arousing after all.
My bad.
al,
i'm in nyc. i need to give you a hug. i need to meet you. to give you a hug. to drive you around in a taxi with a hooker in the back seat, so we can make a taxicab confessions video. you're the one. be the one. majormatamoras@gmail.com
send me good word, al.
-major
Al can you please give me some illustration work? Anything! I'll even give you a blowjob, Lovelace-quality. Ted Rall really bit me in the ass bad, Linda and I are starving. Please I'm desperate.
Screw wouldnt have went bankruptif you would have listened to your staff at that time.....your answer to us was "I can't process that thought now".... in the mountains of evidence we put before you, about Rose, about Rebecca, you got overwhelmed.....you'd rather bury youself....its a shame, cause there were great people working there (including you)... you just shoulda listened....
Dear Zen Wizard,
You are the typical blog reader. You are like a faulty corvette and should be recalled. Plus you get bad gas mileage. You are a low IQ piece of steaming shit who considers gourmet food a Double Whopper and you eat dessert at Starbucks. Take a cold shower and dream of being al Goldstein. And please, keep reading…
Major,
Let’s meet at Katz’s where you will buy be dinner. But first tell me what is your gender or species? If you have a pussy I will lick it. And if you have cock and lots of money I will suck it. Send me your phone #. Love always, Al.
Dearest Danny,
Suck my cock and you can draw on my back like the cavemen of yore used to do. PS – I forgot, do you swallow? Best, Al.
Dearest Danny,
Suck my cock and you can draw on my back like the cavemen of yore used to do. PS – I forgot, do you swallow? Best, Al.
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Dear Anonymous,
You small-cocked, germ-filled globule of puss. Screw is the past. You are the past and I am the future. You are like the shit I flushed down the toilet bowl last night. Die, Al.
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