Blog of Screw Magazine Founder Al Goldstein

Porn King on Netflix

2008-09-25T20:08:00.010-04:00

Sorry for the lapse in blogs. I have been going through some rough times. Some good news for you though. The brilliant documentary about me called Porn King: The Trials of Al Goldstein is on Netflix. You can also search for it by searching for "Midnight Blue" for some dumb reason. www.netflix.comsearch "midnight blue"http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Midnight_Blue/70050880?trkid=222336&lnkctr=

Linda Lovelace

2008-09-10T12:00:00.002-04:00

Here I am sitting in a fucking senior citizen center in Ozone Fucking Park, Queens. I am like a pachyderm, returning to his place of birth to die in the sun on a lonely savanna. Ozone Park is like my old neighborhood and it sucks dick! I can't believe that I went from Park Avenue townhouse to a one bedroom shit hole in Ozone Park... I am so close to JFK airport that I can see the passengers on

Any old jew cunts out there?

2008-08-21T12:14:00.003-04:00

I have eaten 7000 pussies in my lifetime. As publisher of SCREW, tahe availabiltiy of fresh (and rancid) pussy was like Chinese takeout. After a while, it all tastes the same. With Linnea Quigley (see photos below) I gave up eating her pussy. I was bored with her labia, mons veneris, flappy lips, clitoris(es), wet gooey juicy pussy. I started eating her ssshole because it was new to me. Like

2008-08-07T15:45:00.002-04:00

One last thing before i sign off - I am selling every piece of shit that I possess in order to be able to go to Nathan's in Coney Island and eat a fucking tube steak once in a while.I have my original hand carved wood king's chair that was once the throne of power upon which Your Truly sat in (and farted into) for my reign at SCREW. Countless letters, photographs, dildos, books, dirty

2008-08-07T13:20:00.000-04:00

When I was fat and happy

2008-08-07T13:19:00.000-04:00

((BELUSHI...GARRETT MORRIS...AND ME))))

2008-08-07T12:48:00.004-04:00

Two days ago, I thought I had a heart attack. I was taken to Jamaica Hospital (a cesspool that would shame a mange-ridden street rat if it were taken there). The doctors are actually professional and seem to have received their medical degrees from accredited schools, but the fucking place is a Dickensian nightmare. Old whores with sores, toothless crack heads in urine-soaked pants . . .people

2008-08-05T16:38:00.002-04:00

In my last life (when i was a fat Jew living the high life), Le Cirque restaurant was one of my favorite troughs. For those of you stupid, ill-bred jerkoffs, Le Cirque was a 5 Star Michelin restaurant frequented by the likes of Henry Kissinger, Jackie Onassis, Gay Talese, and other notables.The owner, Ciro Maccioni,(a really classy Italian with a big prick and a pallate for young pussy) welcomed

My Savior, Penn Jillette

2008-08-05T15:57:00.002-04:00

I have not been able to write this blog for some time. My fucking body has degenerated to a near corpse state. The couch has become part of my body. I ooze strange bodily fluids from various orifices (must be from all of that bad pussy i ate - maybe the rancid pussy of my ex-wives!) I ache from head to toe. My fucking teeth have fallen out, I have bed bug bites on my arms from an old couch

Nice Rack

2008-07-10T08:57:00.001-04:00

Me and the Ladies

2008-06-26T08:41:00.003-04:00

I found these picks of me and some pussy while going through some old stuff.

Hardcore!

2008-06-20T13:46:00.001-04:00

Me and Annie SprinkleEat your hearts out...

Evolution

2008-06-11T20:37:00.004-04:00

At 67-ishAt 13

The Return of the FUCK YOU

2008-06-06T13:06:00.000-04:00

The highest price we pay for life is not only that our bodies are rotting and deteriorating but all the mistakes we make along the way. From bad marriages, to a son I should have never had, to business partners like Bill Lustig – the fat corpulent diseased body of a one-time pornographer who has stolen a documentary and 1300 episodes of midnight blue. In the same way that every deal that Hitler

Summer Treat

2008-05-30T11:42:00.001-04:00

“A Man is as Faithful as his Options.”Al Goldstein

My History in Comic Form

2008-05-23T11:05:00.001-04:00

Here is a little change of pace for all of you sick of the Vlogs.

The Wives

2008-05-16T17:57:00.001-04:00

Eating Out

2008-05-09T10:36:00.004-04:00

Death & Viagra

2008-05-02T10:13:00.003-04:00

The Myth of Obama

2008-04-24T10:09:00.001-04:00

The Toe Flexer

2008-04-17T22:08:00.003-04:00

I Try To Be a Good Hump

2008-04-08T13:30:00.002-04:00

Explore The Marshmellow - Al's New Vlog

2008-04-02T09:41:00.004-04:00

Hello fans of Al. We are starting a new segment this week. Instead of a Blog we are going to post a Vlog, which is a video blog for all you Luddites out there. Enjoy!

How To Cook Halibut

2008-03-28T18:36:00.004-04:00

Coming soon: One of my finest articles called "Married to the Mob" in next month's Hustler. Be on the lookout. I am watching how to cook halibut on the Food Channel's "Everyday Italian" show and I thought of something. There are so many things in life that you cannot have at that instant. For instance, if you want to watch a new movie, you have to go to a theater. I want to eat halibut right now

Mendacity Chefs

2008-03-22T11:14:00.002-04:00

Advertising is essentially equal to tactful lying. The job of advertising is to separate the consumer from his money, by any means necessary. This means that advertising and prostitution is the same thing. They both show us the fantasy and illusion, and then they give us the clap.If you watch TV all you will see are pretty blonds with perfect teeth. All these women know is how to groom themselves

Spitzer and Pays Her - by Client 69

2008-03-12T20:35:00.005-04:00

The Semitic race is conditioned to making good lampshades and having long beaks. But at least they have always had the acumen of handling finances. Additionally the Jews have been more charitable and had greater contributions to science and technology than any other people.But Jews have lacked the qualities of being superior pornographers. Hefner, Miller, Joyce, Flynt, Guccione, Marquee De Sade

You Don’t Deserve This Column

2008-03-05T11:45:00.005-05:00

This week’s blog was going to be about how to eat pussy and bring your friend’s wife to orgasm, the way I do. I then thought of a much more important article that is penetrating, thoughtful and insightful. Even though being sexless and neutered, as you all are, I have decided to go with the latter.The importance of a lead in an article is to bring the local yokels into your tent. Since most of

The Aging Penis

2008-02-29T07:54:00.003-05:00

The other day I was jerking off and I just stopped because my hand fell asleep. It was boring.Does an old cock get grey hair? I know my cock needs a cane and will eventually need a wheelchair. In most cases an aging penis is probably going to retire to a senior citizens home. Now that I am a 72 year old diabetic Jew whose body is like the a crumbling Twin Tower before it crashes to the ground I

Mid-Week Announcement and Answers

2008-02-27T16:33:00.004-05:00

In three to six weeks we will be posting hardcore photos of me and a bevy of beautiful women. It will be worth the wait:Since many of your do not leave your name I will just pick the best or worst comments and answer them below:-To all the kind words, thank you. I wish you all a high testosterone level.-To the GeorgetheAtheist, you are the most pathetic, lobotomized diarretic shit I have

Ze Good Ol' Days Part Deux

2008-02-22T11:34:00.000-05:00

Behind The Green DoorMe and Vanessa Del RioI refer to today’s stable of porno actress as “occupants.” They have the staying power of a sickly fruit fly. They enter the porno business not out of the commitment to “make love and not war,” but rather to use their exposure in the fuck film to being a featured topless dancer.I reviewed my first fuck film in 1969 and what I loved about it was that it

Ze Good Ol' Days Part I

2008-02-22T09:56:00.001-05:00

Since you, my loyal readers where so good this week (65 comments and counting is a new record) I am rewarding you with a two-part blog.Part I is this wonderful photo of me playing pool. Part II which will be posted later today will be about the porn stars of today vs yesteryear with some great photos of me and some classic old starlets.Enjoy.PS - I will be answering some of your 65 comments later

The Empire Strikes Back

2008-02-14T21:16:00.002-05:00

Writing is a two way job. It’s a quid pro quo kind of communication. It is not unlike fucking, where the response of your partner impacts the enjoyment of the act. As a writer the response from your audience helps define your effectiveness as a word master. Most of the women whose clitori I have licked or whose mouth I filled with my cock found pleasure in my generosity. Doing this weekly blog

New Scans of Old Wives

2008-02-13T08:52:00.002-05:00

See how good I was to Gena?My Fifth Wife: The Jesse James of Wives

I Killed My Mother

2008-02-07T18:00:00.000-05:00

I killed my mother. It was 20 years ago this week. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This is a cancer that had a mortality rate of 99% but I remember that she told me she was going to survive. She always tended to be overweight. I remember seeing her going to Weight Watchers and she was always making a baked apple dish that tasted like an apple pie but wasn’t. I loved my mother since she

Deadbeats of the World, Unite!

2008-02-01T18:25:00.000-05:00

GOLDSTEIN, THE P.I.M.P.I owe everyone and I owe no one. To break the chains of bondage in a capitalistic society is to be so bankrupt and so saturated by poverty that you have no more to lose. It is not unlike waking up as a nappy-haired black man and looking at the reflection of the new you in the mirror and realizing that you are white and going to lunch at the Harvard club. Except for me, it’s

The Space Between Us

2008-01-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

Wife number four. Ewww. My favorite ex-wife, number two. Number three, my second favorite.The end of every relationship begins with the words “I need some space.” That line indicates that the distance between you and your one time beloved has become polluted like the lake near a toxic dump. Whether it is your farts or armpit, the stink has made the distance between the both of you rancid and

Thin Ankles, Big Dicks

2008-01-16T10:37:00.000-05:00

The Good Old Days.Back then I didn't watch much porn because my life was like porno movie. Nowadays I watch more than you would think.I have become addicted to Larry Flynt’s Hustler DVD’s. I use it as a wack off tool and it is an excellent one. I started jerking off when I was 13 and usually beat my meat twice a day. Now, even at 72 and in constant search of early-bird specials I still shoot a

Take Me Out of the Coffin, I’m Still Alive!

2008-01-11T10:44:00.000-05:00

Hope I Never Forget These MomentsStop digging into the soil for my coffin, I'm not dead yet. I may appear like a study of a fruit bowl if you saw me, because of my lack of animation, but that is because I celebrated my 72nd birthday yesterday. Recently the Wall Street Journal wrote about the segmentation of selling to different age groups, especially old Altercockers like me. Peddling products

The Original Hipster

2008-01-04T15:06:00.000-05:00

I was the original hipster in my teen years but today I am an anachronism and more like the ruins in some archeological dig than a fully developed human being.As president of my debating team in high school and college I put those programs on the map. Although Boys High was in the slums and Pace College would take anyone who was still breathing I led them to many victories and excitedly whipped

A New Year

2007-12-31T11:41:00.000-05:00

Love is like a recently caught flounder that smells bad after time. In fact, there are many people that would argue that the smell of rotting fish and pussy are identical. In my own life I have gone from 10 parties every week and the most beautiful girlfriends and hookers imaginable. But that was predicated on my four homes, $11 million dollars and penchant for lavishing my lovers with high

Baked Alaska

2007-12-21T12:42:00.000-05:00

As I sit in front of my typewriter, an IBM Selectric that I use because I love to watch the round ball roll in front of me, I think about what kind of virtual reality I should create for you in this blog. Many thoughts roll around my brain at this moment.I can either write about the various retards running for President, not to help people but to seek power. Or I could write about the various

Good Taste

2007-12-14T15:13:00.000-05:00

My irrefutable mantra is that licking clit and asshole is the pause that refreshes. The memory of shoving my tongue deep in Linnea Quigley’s asshole is the highlight of my 71 years of living.When we were living together, she would bring her tasty little body in front of me and after sucking on every crevice I would place her on her belly and bury my mouth in between her curvaceous cheeks. I

The Sunshine State

2007-12-10T17:21:00.002-05:00

To My Loyal Readers,I am seriously considering a move back to Florida (Tampa or Fort Myers area) but I need help. Does anyone out there have connections for jobs or apartments in that part of the Sunshine State?Thanks,Alalvingoldstein@gmail.com

The Worst of the Worst

2007-12-06T12:44:00.000-05:00

I have a button that I used to hand out to friends. It said politicians give prostitutes a bad name. The word politician is a synonym for opportunist and whore. Today’s politicians are actually lobbyists to-be. They have unending ambition and seek the power of political office, not the desire to make the country a better place. Not only is power an aphrodisiac but it enlarges their cocks from

Stairway to Oblivion

2007-11-25T19:07:00.000-05:00

Alzheimer’s is a wonderful disease for older people whose lives have basically ended anyway. It is a medical condition that destroys our memory. It sends, hurtling into oblivion, all of the memories of our past relationships, jobs, kids and bad decisions. Couples who live together for many years and now share this corrosive and invasive disease are like humans in a drug haze - yesterday is gone

Turkey Day

2007-11-20T18:05:00.000-05:00

The most absurd part of Thanksgiving is that we celebrate the turkey. The turkey is a truly ugly bird that is not the national symbol of America. If we want topical congratulations to America’s bird we should really learn how to roast an eagle.For me, the most exciting component of Thanksgiving was that the bird was in the perfect position to be fucked. It is on its back and its innards, like

Norman Mailer - R.I.P.

2007-11-15T13:20:00.001-05:00

Norman Mailer died this week. He was 83. He and I knew each other, not well. We saw each other at parties. I always loved his book The Naked and the Dead. He was the writer I always wanted to be. He was combative and nasty. He also knifed one of his wives, which was something I should have done. He and I boxed one round together under the tutelege of Jose Torres, the famous boxing coach. Ryan

Worshiping the iPhone

2007-11-08T17:53:00.000-05:00

We are now seven weeks away from the next Consumer Electronics Show. For the last 25 years that would be the most exciting organized event of my life. For those four days that trade show would be packed with the newest gadgets and gizmos that would be rolled out in the next 12 months. Whether Sony, Panasonic or any other electronic company - the newest technology was an exciting thing to

Mirages are a bonanza for the human soul

2007-11-02T14:30:00.000-04:00

The old cliché that fame is fleeting is the truest one I have ever known. The only thing more fleeting is the money in your pocket and the love that some bimbo wants to bestow on you.Why is my phone so quiet and my social calendar so empty? It is because I am no longer The Al Goldstein but a hologram of that fat, rich bastard. The friends who have been loyal to me include Penn Gillette, Booble

Why America is Safe

2007-10-26T13:47:00.000-04:00

Serving for two years in the Army gave me the chance to protect this country and now I am allowed to go to the VA for depression medicine and little things like shaving my pubes, which makes my cock look huge, brighten my day.Allow me to elucidate on why we are safe. We are safe from treacherous words. Words are dangerous and that is why politicians, media powermongers and religious fanatics are

Is that Freedom Rock, Man?

2007-10-19T11:09:00.001-04:00

I first smoked pot when I was 16 and like everything I was told not to do, I loved it. It was an elixir of pleasure. The lies I was told about how it was dangerous and a terrible thing to do were all false. It was these lies and others I was told as a child that made me an outlaw and a cynic.Pot should be legal just as valium and ambient are. Marijuana is an herb and a medicine and has no down

Me on Funny or Die.

2007-10-18T15:25:00.000-04:00

Al Goldstein with Gettin' Some on FunnyOrDie.com

Super Al

2007-10-12T13:39:00.001-04:00

My bodyguard thought I was crazy for making this grand entrance at a porn convention being protested by some religious fanatics. He said I was a big, fat target. I didn’t get shot, thankfully.It should come as no surprise that we live in Victorian times. We have no sense of humor and everything is politically correct. Anything that is controversial is under siege. I took my detractors on

Hot Peach Cobbler

2007-10-05T14:46:00.000-04:00

That was me a long time ago. When I was almost 400 pounds and worth $11 million dollars.Today I am 175 pounds and dead broke. Poundage is a reflection of your value as a human being. Girth is the equivalent of excess and excess is the most valuable thing a man has in his repertoire. Size does matter but it’s not just penile, it’s how rotund your stomach is. The proof

The FBI, NYPD and Me

2007-09-28T13:16:00.000-04:00

I just moved and while going though boxes, I came across this gem from 40 years ago that I haven’t seen in just as long.It is a memo from the FBI to the NYPD, five months after Screw began. After reading it you will be as puzzled as I am that as a pioneer in this business, no one (aside from Booble) has offered me a job. I broke the door wide open for this business to thrive and now that door has

Is it Real, or Memorex?

2007-09-23T10:00:00.000-04:00

As an English major at Pace university, I loved the writings of Luigi Pirandello. His works broke the separation between playwrights and audience. And even more significantly he blurred the concept of what is real and what is not.He walked between the burning embers of what appeared to be fact and the flame of the imaginary. In works such as “Six Characters in Search of an Author” he completely

Man’s Ruin – Rinse and Repeat

2007-09-15T10:42:00.000-04:00

As I turn the pages of the New York Post today I came across one more scandal involving sex. Even though I hate sports, I was desperately trying to escape the saturation of political scandals so I turned to the back page.From ten years ago with MonicaGate to today’s sordid lead articles about that fag Senator Craig cruising for dick, I was desperate to give my eyes the tranquility of Plato,

Brain Flush

2007-09-08T11:02:00.000-04:00

I get very excited to write. It’s like flushing the toilet bowl that is my mind. For me it is a catharsis. Like Picasso, who once said that a blank space excites him because he cannot wait to fill it with something beautiful, that is what this blog has become for me. Blogging is like getting rid of the morbid silence of my impending death and the negative, regretful thoughts that haunt me.I am a

I’m Gay and So Are You

2007-08-29T12:38:00.000-04:00

Idaho Senator Larry Craig said he is not gay even though he was arrested for disorderly conduct in an airport restroom notorious for cruising. A firestorm of controversy is surrounding him and I am sure Craig’s public relations people and family are going crazy about what to do next. I have a simple solution. Tell the truth. You are gay. Say you are gay and be proud and all of this will

Sex in the 70's

2007-08-24T10:02:00.000-04:00

On my next birthday I will be 72, the age most people are dead and rotting in a cemetery. It’s the age most bodies end up as food for the worms and maggots of the earth. In spite of this, a recent survey last week about senior sex gloated about the frequency of senior citizens pursuit of other senior citizens for sexual intercourse. It said one-third of the men who are more than 75 still have

14-Inch Dildos and Other Delights

2007-08-17T14:56:00.000-04:00

There are more blogs in the world today than black men in prison. Blogs are so redundant one must wonder why you are reading me, right now? The answer is simple: I am a great writer and you will not read anything like this anywhere else. I will be begging Booble very soon to allow me to blog twice a week because I have so much to whine about.In future blogs I am going to running photos of me

Pornographer Accountants

2007-08-10T14:08:00.000-04:00

I just got back from a four-day trip to the Internext Expo in Fort Lauderdale where Booble sprung for my flight and a swank hotel room to press the flesh and present the Booble Girl of the Year award to Lisa Sparxxx. The plan was to make a speech, continue my run for the presidency and hopefully get laid.Booble treated me very well and they are a great group of people but I have to say that

Sports Porn

2007-07-27T16:48:00.001-04:00

NBA referee Tim Donaghy is under investigation for fixing the scores of NBA games.The Tour De France removed, it seemed, a rider a day for doping violations.NFL star quarterback Michael Vick is being indicted for participating in illegal dog fighting operations.Barry Bonds is about to break Hank Aaron’s home run record with the help of massive amounts of performance-enhancing drugs.This is the

Fat Birds Flock Together

2007-07-27T15:54:00.000-04:00

Flab is as familiar as our friends so it is no wonder that according to a new study, obesity is contagious.The most successful business in the United States, aside from religion is the diet industry. Dieting is like playing Three-Card Monte, you cannot win.Addicts, whether gambling, drug or otherwise, lack constraint and self control. An example of the self-destructiveness that flows from this

Big Fish, Little Fish

2007-07-21T08:40:00.000-04:00

The concentration of power continues. The few control the many. Rupert Murdoch is in serious negotiations to buy the Wall Street Journal.This is yet another example of gigantism crushing the moderate size enterprise. Last night I was watching the History of the Brooklyn Dodgers on HBO and it was the same old story. (By the way, I met Jackie Robinson when I was 11 years old.) The Dodgers were

The Same Shame

2007-07-13T14:14:00.001-04:00

Television and movies are not real. All the men are handsome and all the women are beautiful. No one works, yet they all have money. It is like visiting mars. They are not human beings. Hollywood is a distortion of life. People say porno is a distortion but so is all of Hollywood.On TV it is all about winning money on game shows. The courtroom shows are ridiculous. The ads are mostly for cars or

A Bevy of Bush

2007-07-10T13:00:00.000-04:00

In our desperate need to awaken our libido and our imaginations we have to be selective in the locations where we spend our time. I love looking at women in their flip flops, painted toe nails and short skirts. The women of today all have huge tits the size of water balloons and tight foreheads thanks to Botox. I always preferred Los Angeles and Florida because it was always warm and the women

Revenge Never Works

2007-06-29T16:34:00.000-04:00

I know it sounds ridiculous coming from a vengeful bastard like me, but revenge never works. It never works because there are casualties. It never works because everyone loses.Right now we are at war with a country that was an enemy to our current president’s father. He is trying to compensate for his father’s premature pull-out from Iraq before toppling Saddam’s regime. But looking back, George

Ol’ Man President

2007-06-21T15:28:00.000-04:00

All my life I was afraid of death. Now that I lost all my money, friends and girls I anxiously await death. I was warned about the ultimate silence of death, but never warned about the greatest punishment leveled against human beings - growing old. My knees and feet hurt from arthritis. I cannot sleep without the help of Ambien and cannot stop depression without Valium and constantly whining

The Passion of the Al

2007-06-15T08:54:00.000-04:00

The worst state to be in for a human being is indifference. Being one of the walking wounded and exuding catatonia is why those without hope or ambition should simply be sent to a senior citizen center or dumped into a coffin and buried, even if they are still breathing. Most of these cadavers you have run into have been some of the women you have had sex with. They would be like Pinocchio and

Groundhog Day in June

2007-06-07T23:02:00.000-04:00

What I have learned about men in my many years publishing Screw is that their brains are located in their penises. While I published Screw, I had men coming up to me all the time sharing their most intimate stories. I was like an obese version of Dr. Ruth. But unlike Dr. Ruth, the intimate stories I heard were all the same which made me feel more like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Whether the

If I Were President I Would Legislate Noise

2007-06-01T15:16:00.000-04:00

I call it the rape of my ear. Sometimes, when I am on the subway trying to read the New York Post, some guy stands right next to me and makes an announcement about the M&M’s or Starburst candy he is selling. Other times he talks about Jesus. Either way it is a supreme invasion of my privacy. Then I realized the same thing happens when I am watching television. They know I am a captive audience

Delusional Bloggers

2007-05-25T14:02:00.000-04:00

The arrogance of the new generation, with their new tech breakthroughs, is astonishing. Like assholes, everyone these days has a blog and an opinion. People with no knowledge or expertise on anything pontificate about everything. Just because you have a website doesn’t mean you know anything other than you should wipe your ass after you take a shit – and I believe many of these tech-yuppies

Interior Design

2007-05-18T18:29:00.000-04:00

I have always argued that what distinguishes human beings are not their exteriors but their interior motivations. The recent termination of Paul D. Wolfowitz from the World Bank and our memory of his being second-in-command of the attack on Iraq is one more example of his being ruled by his own cock and the desire for power. Paul was married but had a girlfriend for three years and negotiated a

America in Peril Part I - The New Drug Problem

2007-05-11T12:02:00.000-04:00

We are so conditioned by mendacity in politics, advertising and entertainment that the lies of reality television are both familiar and comfortable. It is a world of clones and fabrication. My view of this reality is based on the clones I see each day on Entertainment Tonight and Extra.Watching these shows is like looking at a car accident where all the bodies and mangled, decapitated and losing

Republican Flesh Eaters

2007-05-04T17:09:00.000-04:00

I love blood and gore movies and I am zombie movie fiend. Just several years ago I was engaged to the most delicious ass and pussy I have ever eaten. Her name was Linnea Quigley. She was in many zombie movies and was the ultimate “scream queen.” She has appeared in more than a 1000 films, the most famous was the sequel to Night of the Living Dead. I first fell in love with her when she was in a

Religion, Politics and Other Fairy Tales

2007-04-26T15:16:00.000-04:00

In this new era of censorship, exemplified by the firing of Don Imus, we have unfortunately returned to the world of burning witches. Superstition, stereotyping and the fear of open discourse are at war with themselves again. The battle since man first bit into that rotting apple is similar to the wars in Iraq and Vietnam. It is like the battle of cavemen who are afraid of lightening in the sky

Blood Brothers

2007-04-20T14:05:00.000-04:00

Even though I am the only “nappy-headed” Presidential candidate in 2008, I am still everything hateful an American can be. I am a Korean War veteran who received the G.I. bill of rights that paid for four years of Pace University and one year of law school. I also take full advantage of my veteran’s status to see my psychiatrists and surgeons at the VA hospital.I call myself a Korean War veteran

Remembering a Great American

2007-04-14T11:00:00.000-04:00

In 1975, I was on trial in Wichita, Kansas for obscenity. It was a four-month trial and my brilliant lawyer Herald Farhinger was representing me. If convicted, I faced 12 to 15 years in jail. The trial took place in Wichita because the Justice Department went venue shopping. In early 1974, I was the featured Playboy Interview and that put me on the radar for the Nixon administration. I had a

Imus, Lenny and Me

2007-04-13T13:23:00.000-04:00

My position on the current brouhaha about Don Imus is self-evident. Imus is a cutting- edge satirist not unlike Lenny Bruce. The puritanical society of ours not only took away Bruce’s cabaret card and made him unemployable, but drove him deeper into his addictions for food and, most lethally, heroin. Though I saw Lenny perform live at the Village Gate, I never met him because I was not worthy or

Politicians = Hookers

2007-04-06T13:02:00.000-04:00

The battle for who our next president will be is not just about ballots - but how much money you have in the bank. After George W. Bush’s rape of the U.S. Constitution, our civil liberties and belief in free choice and democracy – my theory that all politicians are hookers has been further proved yet again. Whether Republican, Democrat or of a different species, the politician has one intention:

I Will Eat Bush’s Lunch in 2008!

2007-03-30T13:31:00.000-04:00

Ed. note - Yes, Al Goldstein is running for President. This blog will now function as a platform for his political views and policies. Please visit www.goldstein08.com and this site for updates.Sometimes, when driving in your car, a truly horrible smell permeates your vehicle and then your nostrils. It is obviously a recently killed skunk and your olfactory facilities are as offended as when you

Testosterone 101

2007-03-23T18:10:00.000-04:00

Women are the great white sharks of the world. They are toothsome man-eaters who want to devour our flesh like a fat person at Krispy Kreme. Sharks, anacondas and crocodiles are the apex predators of nature. They are looking for their next meal and surely never think about flossing, going to their local dentist or wondering about the herbal influx that is entering their digestive tracts. What

Little Alvin in Wonderland - Part Deux

2007-03-19T09:40:00.000-04:00

Ed note. - Stay tuned for a huge announcement from our pal Al this month.I grew up in the failure of Williamsburg, Brooklyn. I would look out the window, stare at the skyscrapers and wonder about the lives other people were living and I was not. I was like Alvin in Wonderland dreaming of adventure and excitement and the life I would never believe I would live. My mother had me attend Boys High

Little Alvin in Wonderland

2007-03-08T17:14:00.000-05:00

When I was 12 years old I would listen to the radio to hear Barry Gray, Long John Nebil, The Shadow and Captain Midnight. They delighted me as a young boy growing up in Williamsburg. Before the world of cable TV, my fantasies were limited to the grandiosity of being a superhero. Having a dumb father, a delusional mother and a brother who was psychotic meant my choices were limited. In today’s

Relative Value

2007-03-02T14:55:00.000-05:00

How do we with ration, sanity and dignity make our decisions? Life is an exchange and we give up something we treasure in order to obtain something that we want. This is the quo prid quo of value. There is something in the store window or peeking out from a beautiful woman’s bikini that we want. We don’t want it forever and we will not bronze it like a statue. But we do want to make an exchange

Power Bottoms

2007-02-23T14:59:00.000-05:00

If we were to look at any war zone we would find the most militant, military personnel are those that have not gotten laid in a long time. Proof of the choice between making love and fighting is that the managers of boxers would tell their fighters that they should avoid sex for at least a week before bouts. This was done to prevent the pent-up anger and hormones against a non-targeted release.

The Big D

2007-02-20T14:41:00.000-05:00

In my travels all over the world, last week I went to Texas for the first time to publicize my autobiography ‘I, Goldstein’. The greatest topless club in the world called The Lodge picked up the tab and I have never been treated so well by its owners.Seeing the book depository in Dealy Plaza was the most thrilling part of the trip and looking out the window where Oswald shot JFK. I always felt

Viva La Blog

2007-02-11T14:37:00.000-05:00

Mainstream media listens to the little folks whether through that obsolete medium called newspapers or now through blogs because basically they try to reflect the concerns of the average person.I am but a little creature. Everything I am therefore forces me to have no room for bullshit of deceit. I am the embodiment of who and what we bloggers really are. I am a minority of the big population but

The Perfect Drug

2007-02-02T20:49:00.000-05:00

I am a camel walking the warm sands of the desert in search of nourishment. I am not hunting water but the magnificent aroma, warmth and wondering of pussy. As publisher of Screw for 37 years I chomped on different vaginas many times a day. Pussy is as diverse and distinctive as the varieties of wine. Bordeaux, a Sauterne or the repugnance and sugary sweetness of Manishevitz. That wine alone, by

Raindrops (or bird shit) keep falling on my head

2007-01-26T09:30:00.000-05:00

Are these tears in my eyes or is it raining above my forehead? If you look at the pictures in Money magazine and other slick publications they show retired people on trips, on cruises, fishing and having the time of their lives. Here I am 71 years old, having worked all my life, and I keep posing the question would I be better off dead. Why? I have no life. I haven’t tasted a pussy in two years.

Freedom vs. Confinement

2007-01-19T10:35:00.000-05:00

Freedom is all about options and choices. Confinement is about no choices. I have spent time in Riker’s Island and mental institutions and there is nothing to choose. Your meals are picked, what time you sleep is picked and the TV shows you watch are picked. Freedom means you are allowed to make mistakes and I have made every mistake in the world. I have been a true addict in terms of non-stop

Random Musings on the Opposite Sex

2007-01-08T14:33:00.000-05:00

-What do I miss most about having a new girl in my life? I want a pretty new girl to annoy me, irate me and say stupid things while not understanding my wittiest and most clever observations. I want the new woman to taste the same as all the other pieces of ass I’ve had but at least she’s there. Old cars are like old pussies, they rust and deteriorate. What I miss the most about my five ex-wives

To My Readers, A Plea...

2006-12-22T14:19:00.000-05:00

Now that I am beautiful again, having completed successful cosmetic surgery done on my stomach flab, please help Al Goldstein meet, greet and eat new pussy. Don’t be a deformed humpback guy impersonating a woman. Be a real man and help a sex starved pussy lapper like me find Nirvana. Write to me at alvingoldstein@gmail.com. For 35 years I published Screw I had sex with 7,000 women. I ate more

Success = Connections

2006-12-17T11:19:00.000-05:00

Ed. Note - Al is still in the hospital and doing well. He told us that he appreciates your well wishes and cannot wait to get back into the groove of insulting you all. In the meantime here is a blog he wrote before he went under the knife. Are we responsible for our failures and successes? Is there a God, an old man with a white beard sitting on a throne who is always watching concerned about

Surgery

2006-12-08T11:19:00.000-05:00

As I sit in my favorite New York bookstore where they sold out of my latest autobiography I am a nervous wreck. I have thirty milligrams of valium pumping through my cake-encased arteries as I plan for ten hours of surgery at the Veterans Hospital Tuesday morning. I am a Korean War veteran and kept Long Island City safe from various villains and menaces. Not only did my being a vet pay for four

Up with Winter

2006-12-04T11:20:00.000-05:00

As the leaves transform themselves from deep chlorophyll green to hues of brown, the Indian summer is keeping the temperatures hovering in the 70’s and 80’s. This is the worst possible environment for the likes of me and is not unlike a pedophile hanging out in playgrounds or Girl Scout camps. The summer is like visiting a Chinese buffet table looking at the offerings of pork fried rice, lo mein,

Marriage = Work

2006-11-25T11:17:00.000-05:00

My boy toy and cock-sucking colleague was recently lamenting the sad state of marriage. He proved to be a born loser as we drove to Brooklyn’s Nathans Famous Hot Dogs for my latest fantasy - a Lobster Roll. Before setting off on our voyage I told him that traffic would be heavy and we would not get a parking spot. Obviously I was right. Parking was $20 and the lines to buy a hot dog were very

Giving Thanks to Me!

2006-11-22T09:40:00.000-05:00

Here is a link to a great review of my new book "I, Goldstein" I received from the New York Times Book Review this weekend. I will also post below. When you sit down for dinner tomorrow be sure to give thanks to me, Al Goldstein and your friends at Booble. My words and unique worldview is truly one of a kind. You backwards oafs, perverts and losers do not realize how lucky you are to read me for

A Modest Proposal – Male Sanctuaries

2006-10-03T19:27:00.001-04:00

I propose a male sanctuary to rescue men from women the same way they do this for lions. In the animal kingdom the male lion stays home to feel important while the lioness does 95 percent of the killing. The lion with its beautiful mane lulls about. This is akin to the human condition where the female is the killer. The same way we set up a lion sanctuary to protect lions, we should do the same